Okay, Now What?

So I have passed the NCLEX exam and can check the whole "get a career" thing off my to-do list (again-I did this when I became a chef, too). It is a huge relief to have Nursing School behind me and a freshly minted RN license in my pocket. I'm in my new job and loving it even though I am "the new guy" and still grinding gears and finding my way around. My patients like me and the doctors are receptive to my input. I even heard an attending physician tell a resident that I know my stuff. (Oh my gosh that felt good!)

I'm also on the precipice of building my family in a more permanent way. Still holding my breath for the legal hurdles we face over Little J next month. We have reasons to be optimistic about that, although until he is finally adopted I will not be able to exhale. Too many weird things happen in the courts for me to be able to predict the outcome with anything like confidence.

After years of excruciating work and no small measure of heartbreak, all of the above came to fruition at the same time. We moved into our wonderful new house, I graduated, we got a kid the next day, and I passed the boards last week. Life has been pretty lively. I'm just now starting to enjoy the rewards of all this rapid-fire change.

As any good Warrior Goddess would, I thrive when I am conquering. Resting on my laurels has never been my thing. I like to look ahead and dream big and overcome the trials to get the prize. I'm trying to open my mind to what comes next. I am taking a year off of school so I can explore my new job and decide what path to take to advance in my career. At some point I will have to decide if Little J will remain an only child or if I dare tempt fate to ask for a daughter again. Big stuff.


Here's some possible school options:

1. Bridge to my BSN degree: This will most certainly happen, I just need to work out how soon to tackle that odious set of prerequisites. I need to take Statistics and some Chemistry. Ugh. 
2. Become a Nurse Practitioner? Maybe. If I really like clinical practice and find floor nursing limiting, this would be a good option.
3. Masters/PhD in Medical Anthropology: I LOVE this idea, but sadly UNR's Anthropology program is one I have ruled out as an option for a number of reasons. If I go with this option, we would have to move out of state. Not that I can't handle an adventure, it is just a really big move/investment. Tony would need to agree, and I just don't think he is ready for me to be heavy into school again like that. Nursing School was tough enough on our relationship.

Here's some possible family options:

1. Adopt privately: Avoid the rigors of Washoe County altogether and find an agency I can stand to work with. Adopt a domestic infant or go abroad. Costly, but less uncertainty (only a little less) once a match is made.
2. Continue to foster: Could we get lucky again or will we get our hearts broken? Big, huge gamble. Very low legal costs once an adoption can happen. Big time commitment. 
3. Keep J as an only child: I dunno. I don't feel like the family is quite "done". Most parents can relate to that. You know when you are done adding members to the family, and I'm not there yet.
4. Get another dog: We got Ember at a time when I was dying for a baby and it just wasn't happening. It helped me by giving me something small and helpless to nurture. Still, having only one dog now is less chaotic.

Misc. Goals:

1. I need to do things to enhance my health and physical energy. In other words, get a grip on my stress-eating and get my butt off the sofa. Lots of options and classes, but have been waiting for my schedule to shake out.
2. I need to get back in the groove of making art. That is: writing and also trying out other forms I have always wanted to improve in. I can't decide if blogging counts.
3. Getting my spiritual house in order so that I can do ANY of the above with a little more hope and faith, rather than stressing out all the time.
4. Take a vacation to Europe. This is way overdue.

Look Around and Enjoy the Scenery

My grandfather used to tell me "There is nothing wrong with reading a book, Stace, but take a break every once in a while and look as far to the horizon as you can. It is good for your eyes."

Of course, he always made sure we traveled a lot, so those horizons were always changing. The picture above is of him looking at a horizon in Wyoming near Grand Teton National Park. I miss him so much. He had such wisdom in him, and was so kind.

I'm looking at new horizons lately, albeit metaphoric ones. I am looking out at my future. I have only been in the nursing program for a few weeks and already I am seeing a change of scenery. I am not sure what changes the next few years will bring, but I am trying to savor the journey as much as I anticipate the destination.

Growth usually hurts, and I am certainly having to apply discipline to myself to do all the things I need to do. I am certainly growing right now, and I feel my horizons expanding. I am opening myself to all kinds of new possibilities, both professionally and personally. I am having to do a lot of exercise to process the feelings of apprehension, stress, and annoyance that come up. Putting one foot in front of the other seems to be the thing that helps the most whenever I get pissed and need to work it out. A long walk usually facilitates a long think.

Change is chaotic, though. Learning to ride along with it and enjoy the view takes a lot of trust. As I mentioned yesterday, trust isn't my strong suit, but I am learning. Maybe I should start with myself. I have brought myself this far, for good or ill. I need to trust that things are going to work out.

I feel a lot of doors opening right now. It may be that some of them will close over time as I make my choices about what is important to me. One thing is for sure, the scenery will be beautiful along the way if I care to take a good long look every once in a while.

Manifesting the Future

You absolutely cannot get what you want if you don't know what you want. Because you cannot ask for what you want if you don't know what it is. This belief is at the core of who I am. Because I spend perhaps an inordinate amount of time in considered introspection (otherwise known as navel-gazing) I usually know what I want out of life. And I often get it, just not always in the way I first envisioned it.

In one of my notebooks, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted my child to have. I wrote it sometime in early 2006, well before Little A came to be a part of our family, before she was even in foster care. I rediscovered the list when I cracked open the notebook to use it for a personal journal and place to write poetry. That list describes Little A in startling detail. It is uncanny, really. I got exactly what I wished for.

"Be careful what you wish for." That is what people say, right? I think some folks use that as an excuse to abstain from wishing, to avoid the consequences of getting something they wished for frivolously. I take a more discerning attitude toward it. I am CAREFUL what I wish for. I still wish for things, but I am very specific about what I want.

I met with one of my academic advisers today, and she asked me to think about what I want for my future, beyond the day-to-day goals of getting through the nursing program. I had lots of ideas at the ready for things I wanted for myself, which I think surprised her a little. She told me to write them down, which I will do. I need to organize my thoughts first, because I realize that some of my goals are amorphous and I don't want to write them down before getting specific about them. Because I won't set my sights on something unless I really intend to get it in its fullest capacity. Otherwise, I should put my energies toward wanting things that I can commit to fully.

One of my areas of interest concerns my academic goals for after the nursing program, especially what direction I want to take with my BS and MS or MA degrees. I will be making an appointment with someone in the next few weeks to discuss a plan for that. I realized that I had been pooh-poohing some of those dreams as impossible. My adviser looked me right in the eye and told me that as "brilliant and articulate" as she finds me, that my most cherished aspiration could in fact be totally doable, but I would have to start planning sooner rather than later. I intend to live on that compliment for at least a week.

Of course, back in down to earth terms I need to focus on studying for an exam on Monday. No use counting those chickens yet. But for someone to tell me that I can have something lofty that I want if I work for it was really gratifying. And it reminded me of my list. I have the power in me to, perhaps not predict the future, but to manifest it.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I know in vague terms what I want. Time to get specific and write it down. I need to write a new list for myself and put it away, like a letter to my future self. The letter will begin:

"Congratulations, Stacie! You have accomplished the following..."

Good for me. And good for anyone who is with me when I get there.

Now, what to put on that list? I am open to suggestion, so get your requests in now. :)