Poetry-You've got me

I've got your back, man.
I'm your number one fan.
Just call me if you need a friend.
You've got me.

Don't be lonely; you aren't alone.
Don't be sad; you aren't alone.
Don't be scared; you aren't alone.
You've got me.

If you need a helping hand,
If you need a girl for a wing man,
If you need a beer to cry in,
You've got me.

If you're tired, lean on me.
If you're bored, play with me.
If you're hurting, embrace me.
You've got me.

9-13-08



Image: Statue of a wounded Amazon, 1st–2nd century A.D.
Roman copy of a Greek bronze statue, ca. 450–425 B.C.
Marble (Pentelic); H. 80 1/4 in. (203.84 cm)
Gift of John D. Rockefeller, Jr., 1932 (32.11.4)

Manifesting the Future

You absolutely cannot get what you want if you don't know what you want. Because you cannot ask for what you want if you don't know what it is. This belief is at the core of who I am. Because I spend perhaps an inordinate amount of time in considered introspection (otherwise known as navel-gazing) I usually know what I want out of life. And I often get it, just not always in the way I first envisioned it.

In one of my notebooks, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted my child to have. I wrote it sometime in early 2006, well before Little A came to be a part of our family, before she was even in foster care. I rediscovered the list when I cracked open the notebook to use it for a personal journal and place to write poetry. That list describes Little A in startling detail. It is uncanny, really. I got exactly what I wished for.

"Be careful what you wish for." That is what people say, right? I think some folks use that as an excuse to abstain from wishing, to avoid the consequences of getting something they wished for frivolously. I take a more discerning attitude toward it. I am CAREFUL what I wish for. I still wish for things, but I am very specific about what I want.

I met with one of my academic advisers today, and she asked me to think about what I want for my future, beyond the day-to-day goals of getting through the nursing program. I had lots of ideas at the ready for things I wanted for myself, which I think surprised her a little. She told me to write them down, which I will do. I need to organize my thoughts first, because I realize that some of my goals are amorphous and I don't want to write them down before getting specific about them. Because I won't set my sights on something unless I really intend to get it in its fullest capacity. Otherwise, I should put my energies toward wanting things that I can commit to fully.

One of my areas of interest concerns my academic goals for after the nursing program, especially what direction I want to take with my BS and MS or MA degrees. I will be making an appointment with someone in the next few weeks to discuss a plan for that. I realized that I had been pooh-poohing some of those dreams as impossible. My adviser looked me right in the eye and told me that as "brilliant and articulate" as she finds me, that my most cherished aspiration could in fact be totally doable, but I would have to start planning sooner rather than later. I intend to live on that compliment for at least a week.

Of course, back in down to earth terms I need to focus on studying for an exam on Monday. No use counting those chickens yet. But for someone to tell me that I can have something lofty that I want if I work for it was really gratifying. And it reminded me of my list. I have the power in me to, perhaps not predict the future, but to manifest it.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I know in vague terms what I want. Time to get specific and write it down. I need to write a new list for myself and put it away, like a letter to my future self. The letter will begin:

"Congratulations, Stacie! You have accomplished the following..."

Good for me. And good for anyone who is with me when I get there.

Now, what to put on that list? I am open to suggestion, so get your requests in now. :)

Don't Panic!

Not every day can be full of delightful intellectual inquiry. Some days are bound to be more stressful than others. Today was one of those days. I am trying to repeat to myself, as my eyelid twitches, that just because today was really emotionally challenging for me does not mean I am in for serious trouble.

I'm not even going to bother retelling what stupid petty little things went wrong. I was just off my game. Several people, who don't even know me well at all, noticed right away that I was withdrawn and silent and probably biting the back of my knuckle. Even my blood pressure was up a little, and that is usually not ever a problem for me.

I have had a few days of feeling raw all over. Even though I am trying to maintain my positive outlook, some pernicious negative thoughts have wormed their way into my head. My self image is massively distorted for some reason. I should not admit how crazy those thoughts can get. I tend to doubt the judgment of anyone that loves me, or just flat out not believe it. I feel too grotesque to be attractive to anyone.

I don't know what causes that. I just feel like even my dearest friends secretly loathe me. Or worse yet, they pity me. Or they pity Tony for having to put up with me. Wait, some people actually have told me that they pity Tony. Tony laughs that off, but sometimes I can't.

Tomorrow is my free study day, so I can re-center. I already have my plan in order for going to the gym in the morning. Maybe my new cell phone will come and I can re-connect with the world, at least in theory. I haven't had time to talk the last few days anyway.

I guess I should say that I am mostly okay. I just am feeling very sensitive and maybe a little ugly. I'm super annoyed that I am so fat right now, for sure. Change in that department never happens fast enough.

Why can't I just be perfect? That would make things so much easier!

Classic Stacie Move

Oh my gosh. I accidentally flushed my cell phone down the toilet today. It was in the pocket of my jeans and fell out. Whoosh. GONE.

Why me? I am more like a cartoon than a person.

Just more proof that those jeans are too loose and I need new ones. Hard to afford that when you have to shell out for a new phone.

Tony wasn't too happy with me. Whoops. Sorry, Mister.

How's that whole "being healthy" thing working out?

Um, yeah. I have been sick with a nasty cold and sore throat/cough/laryngitis for a goddamn week. I feel really worn out and can't seem to regulate my temperature properly. Unfortunately, there isn't much time for resting, although a bit more than there was while I was working full time.

Since most of my time is spent studying, you would think that was restful, but it is hard to focus your noggin while on cold medicine. *grumble*

On the upside, I have still managed a lower-than-last-week level of exercise. I figure the fresh air does me some good, so I took a 2-mile walk yesterday while the prep for the balloon races was going on. I wished I had my camera with me, because as I was walking, hot air balloons were landing all over my neighborhood. They were right over my head a few times. There were probably about 30 of them within a few blocks of my house. It was pretty cool, and I just had to smile. I wanted to jump in one and see where it took me.

I'm going to try to make it to the gym tomorrow. But first I need to do a little shopping. My pants are falling off because I have lost weight and need the next size down, and I need a new bra that won't be *look at my tits!* obvious under my white scrub top when I do my clinical rotations. I need a slightly smaller bra, too. (Don't cry yet, my breasts are still epic huge, my band size has gone down, though.)

I was sorta stuck on the whole weight loss thing for a while, but then I made a bet with a friend to lose 25 pounds by the time I graduate in 2010. I actually need to lose a lot more than that, but 25 pounds seems maybe doable. I lost 2 pounds this week, so that is a good start. Fancy that, the old "eat healthy food and work out more" plan seems to actually work.

As for my mental health, I am trying hard to remain positive, and so far I am doing okay. They are doing experiments on us up at school. We hook up to a monitor that measures our heart rhythms for "coherence" and we get a score based on our ability to enter into a consciously controlled state of calm. It is like meditating, science-style. Despite the fact that I am a known and notorious spaz, I got a respectably high score. The idea is that if we tap into coherence often enough, we can do it at will and for longer periods, even while, say, taking an exam. The goal is to have fewer students burn out of the program. It is a trip. I felt pretty calm and centered for a while afterward. I wanted to hug people, even though I spent much of the day solo. It should be interesting to see how this fits into my plans to get through the next two years with as much stress is on my plate.

Art-wise, I have been writing some sorta personal poetry these days. Not surprising considering my introspective mood lately. I do have the submission guidelines for a pretty major web zine sitting on my desk. I can submit up to three poems for consideration. I don't know which ones to choose. I suppose I will pick three that suit me at the moment and send them off and see what happens. It would be pretty cool to get a national byline for poetry like that, but I am in no way counting any chickens there. I would like to publish a few poems in the next 12 months. It would be a good way to keep artistically active. That and it seems like a masturbatory exercise to either only post them on my blog or just scribble them in my notebook and do nothing with them.

I have written hundreds (maybe over a thousand?) poems in my life so far. I even threw a stack from high school away at one point. Or maybe I burned them with that one diary and a bunch of correspondence from my days as a semi-professional crazy person. It seems to me that if I am going to produce that stuff anyway, I should probably do something with it. There is also a possible chapbook idea circling my noggin. Again, I would need to cut the wheat from the chaff to do that, and I just don't have time or enough objectivity to do that now. Might be a good project for next summer between terms.

That is what is up with me. How are you?

Dream-In the Weeds

I can always tell when I am under stress. I can have a very delicate constitution that is easily upset, so I lose sleep first.

It is stressing me out that I have a really bad cold/sore throat that is preventing me from the turbo-speed studying that I usually do. I feel like I am walking in quicksand. I just can't seem to stay focused or retain information like I need to because I have a bad case of "medicine head".

The stuffy nose was keeping me up last night for a long time, so I had time to fret about other stuff, which only makes it less possible to sleep. So at about 3:30 AM I got up and hit the dreaded Afrin nasal spray. I hate using that stuff because the rebound on it is so dreadful. But oh well. I ended up falling asleep around 4 AM.

Then I had stress nightmares. They weren't the "monster chasing me" variety. I dreamed about my relationships, but they were all convoluted and messed up. (More than they are in real life) I dreamed about a guy I am not even in a romantic relationship with, but in the dream he was not being faithful to me and I was confronting him. Stupid.

Then the dream shifted to me having to close down a restaurant for the night and tackle a huge pile of dishes and pots and pans. Obviously, as a former chef, I am very familiar with commercial dishwashers like the one pictured above. I was spraying the pans with that nozzle, I was in a big hurry for some reason, and the dishes just kept piling up.

I was "in the weeds". Any old professional cook will know what that means. I guess I feel in the weeds this week with school. Any time I am having work-related stress, I always default to dreaming about the professional kitchen: the heat, the sharp objects, and the screaming staff.

The good news is that being in the weeds is largely about attitude. You can be the only one behind the line and the tickets can stack up and it can still not be a problem if you are in the right head space. You can still crank it out and even have a little fun doing it. It is like watching a toddler run: they just put their heads down and barrel forward and you are sure they are going to bail, but they don't. Or even of they do, they just get up and keep running, because running is so novel that the fun of it outweighs the danger.

So I am trying to shake it off today and crank it out. I am made of tough stuff, even if I do like to be petted and coddled by people I love. I can live without it, but being cooed over makes me feel better. I know deep down that I will get through it, but I am coming to realize that while I like to be viewed as smart and competent, there is still a little child in me that wants to be babied. That is a little messed up maybe. My grandmother understood it, and even when I was nearly all the way grown she would pull me close and talk softly and pet my head. It was enormously calming. After that, I could tolerate the pep talk and then I would grit my teeth and get back to work.

Hee hee. Maybe I am the opposite of the high-powered CEO who pays a dominatrix to beat him up and call him names and make him feel helpless. I am fierce as a rabid wolverine sometimes, but I still want to be treated as if I were a delicate and rare porcelain doll of inestimable value.

I want to be protected sometimes, because usually I am the one that throws myself like a human shield in front of my friends when there is strife. I usually don't care what happens to me or my heart, because I am so used to feeling bruised. I would almost rather take the hits myself than see someone I care about get hurt. I think I give people permission to use my resources in ways that don't actually benefit me, just to see them a little happier even if it costs me. Hmm. Maybe that isn't too good for me. I guess that I just trust that there will be reciprocity, and there often is.

Note to self: channel energy through myself from above rather than out of my core. Yep. That's it. The universe is infinite and can take the drain better than I can.

New Girlcrush-Eva Green

I watched "Casino Royale" again today while Little A was napping. Damn, Eva Green is so beautiful in that movie. I want to learn how to wear red lipstick like that and not get it everywhere (I realize that this is a movie trick).

I love the look of pale skin, dark hair, and striking eyes on both men and women. So sexy. Rawr. I love her tousled bed-hair in this photo. *swoon*

I just wanna be her, maybe. Stunning.