Dream: The Priest and I Don't Agree

I dreamed last night that I went back to Ohio for a visit and was over at my father's house to see my sister. For some reason, their parish priest was there for a visit, in full high-ceremonial finery, no less.

He and my stepmom were talking about the Mel Gibson epic "The Passion of the Christ", and how he thinks that everyone should see it to gain an appreciation for the Christian faith.

I am my outspoken self even in my dreams, so naturally I said I had avoided that movie because it was just too violent for my liking. I don't need to watch a religious snuff film. My nightmares are fueled with enough images for several lifetimes already.

Sigh. This was not a popular viewpoint. The priest started in on me about it, and the fact that he felt my spirituality was flawed because I lacked a proper fear of God. We argued back and forth so much that I didn't even get to visit with my family and left in disgust.

An interesting observation that I had about this dream when I woke up is that my family, rather than coming to my aid, mostly just rolled their eyes at me and apologized to the priest for how I was offending him.

It is true that I am distant with my dad's side of the family. My father and I have had periods of estrangement to the point that my siblings (all much younger than me) barely know me. I am an utter stranger to my youngest sister Molly, which was never my intention. It just got too hard to bridge the distance of 2300 miles and the emotional gulf that still lies like an open wound from where my brother Ryan used to be. Without him to bridge the generation gap as it were, I feel totally old and separate and different from the rest of my brothers and sisters.

Of course, I am different in that I have a different mother than they do. And I live far away. And I am a whole generation older. And I am different from most other people in a lot of weird little ways, or so I am told. I feel vastly misunderstood sometimes. Luckily for me I have people in my life who at least mostly get me as a person. But the fact remains that it has always been a regret of mine that I couldn't rise above the hard times I was having with my father to be there for my siblings more.

When Ryan was alive, he did that. He looked out for them. I am a poor substitute for him in that regard. I'm trying, little by little, to let them know now that I am in their corner, that I have always loved them, that I am, unlike Ryan, still within reach. In still, small movements, I am just trying to be there.

I may have imperfect faith, but I do have perfect love, if not fully expressed yet. It is still a big gap, but when wounds heal, the edges get closer together. Healing is my business, so I guess Ryan would want me to do the work.For him I really will.

Dream: Showing up for Nursing Boards Naked

Plus Bonus Dream Subplot: Europe Won't Allow my Yankee Spices!

More wacky stories from the sideshow that is my subconscious.

I dreamed the other night that due to bad time management and stress, I showed up an hour late for my appointment for the NCLEX exam, plus I was naked. Plus, instead of a written test, it was to be a practical demonstration of cadaver dissection overseen by my old Anatomy & Physiology professor, Doctor Burke. He didn't approve of my lateness but didn't seem to notice the fact that I was nude. I had to dress in full isolation gear as if I was treating a patient with MRSA or TB, and go and quickly dissect a corpse without making a mess of it. In two hours.  Actually, I think that actually would be easier than taking the real NCLEX, but I digress...

One of the reasons I was stressed in the dream was that I had to pass on the first try, because I was moving to Europe to practice Nursing immediately afterward. It was in the back of my mind that the customs people had told me that I couldn't take my Dean & Deluca spices with me. Not like European countries don't have spices available, but I had purchased these at considerable expense and wanted to take them along. I was building an argument in my head that I should be allowed to take Herbes De Provence to freaking Provence! The nerve!

My dreams have been so jumbled up lately. I think I am finally processing all the changes I have been through since May. Life has been damn busy, and once I get past the NCLEX, things can calm down a bit. That is, if I let them. I am so accustomed to being in near-constant motion that I am not sure I know HOW to relax anymore. By the end of summer I hope to have fewer things hanging over my head and can enjoy the rewards of all this hard work!

Dream: Seth Green and the Burning City

I have been super tired lately. Last night I went to bed super early to try to get some decent shuteye. Apparently, my subconscious had other ideas. I went on a wild ride in my head.

First up, the setting was in Reno where I live now, only the State budget was so bad that all the firefighters and police had lost their jobs. Things looked broken down and burned out everywhere.It  looked bleak.

But I had a date, I guess. I was at a bar with actor Seth Green. Now mind you, I do not have a crush on Seth Green. I don't really think about him that way. But in my dream, we were drinking and carrying on. We went into a private room and things got steamy. I was digging it and really getting into him. Bizarre.

Then he told me that he wasn't really feeling the same way. I was crushed. Like, beyond unhappy. I was desolate. I pitched a fit. I made a spectacle of myself. I cried and begged him to take it back. He was looking at me with a mix of pity and disgust. I felt horrible.

I was driving home and crying in the car. There were buildings burning all around me and there were flaming cars on the side of the road. I felt like I had lost the only person who would ever love me. It felt really real.

When the alarm went off, I had to shake that dream off. I felt like crap for part of the morning. All because of some make-believe crap. Sheesh.

The Trouble with Fashion

It occurred to me recently that now that I wear scrubs to work, any clothes that I wear outside of work can be truly for fun. In other words, I can wear WHATEVER I WANT. Gone are the days where I have to buy "business casual" clothes. I could buy clothing that expresses who I am in my purest form. I am free to dress like a freak if I want. I could skip down the street in a pink tutu as long as I don't mind humiliating my son and possibly my husband.

So, with a $50 gift card (a graduation gift from my mother-in-law) for Macy's in my pocket, I set out to find a garment that just spoke to me and said "Stacie" in no uncertain terms. That's where I hit a snag.

Either I have no idea what clothes are really "me", or Macy's had a slim selection of shirts that were not hideously ugly, or I am just a frazzled mom, but I was having a ton of trouble finding anything interesting. Add to that the fact that I am evidently invisible to the sales staff at Macy's. Literally nobody seemed interested in enhancing my shopping experience. Oh, and I guess I should just go ahead and mention that I am in my early 40's and shopping in the plus-sizes.

The fact that I was having trouble seemed to be something I took personally, like if I was thinner I would have had both more choices and more saleslady attention. I was feeling super-dejected. Eventually I picked up a pair of pants.

Beige pants. Beige capri pants.

Here I am with the world at my feet, personal expression-wise, and that is the best I could do? Or has it become, after years of corporate casual, the only thing I feel comfortable with? Have I BECOME freaking BEIGE?!?!?!?

Did it take me so long to get a career clue that I now have no personal style of my own? Am I doomed to look like a soccer mom until I succumb to some kind of granny cruise-ship gear? What the hell? Will I be buried in beige capri pants?

Oh, I suppose that shopping at a really mainstream store is at least part of my problem. I need to branch out. I need to learn to sew. I need to worry about more important things. Maybe I also need a pink tutu, just in case. What goes with a pink tutu?

Poetry: Fading

Fading

From dizzying heights I watch myself fade.

Falling out of your thoughts like a lost star.

No longer illuminating your world with love

I scarcely have a reason to shine.

You won’t forget me all at once,

But little by little you’ll think of me less

Until one day you’ll stop and wonder

When I last crossed your mind.

Maybe you’ll convince yourself

That I never loved you so fiercely

If I was able to walk away from you.

You might think it, but you’ll be wrong.

Inside my orbit, I burn and inward turn.

Despairing, I am a singularity.

My light can’t reach your lush blue world.

 And I’m forced to admit I no longer exist.

Please don’t believe such slander.

Though I fade in your mind you never leave mine.

My hand still reaches for yours in vain.

To offer safety and strength to you.

I may be  fading now.

I may seem translucent now.

I may seem far away now.

But I’m here, as close as a breath on your cheek.

Stacie Ferrante

6-28-10

Sunday Supper: Summer Berry Upside-Down Cake

I made this for Tony's Fathers' Day BBQ, and it was so good I had to make it again. Lots of people asked me for the recipe, and I realized that I fiddled with the original enough that I needed to re-write it so people could reproduce my results. I think I am going to start posting occasional recipes on this blog space, so I will call it the Sunday Supper feature, since I tend to put the extra special effort into my dinner on Sunday night for my family.

Summer Berry Upside-Down Cake

Special equipment you will need:

A 10-inch, well seasoned cast iron skillet

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

For the topping:

3 Tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 cup lightly packed brown sugar
3 cups mixed berries. (I used one cup each blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries)

Melt the butter in the skillet over medium heat until foam subsides. Add the sugar, stir to incorporate, and let it cook undisturbed for 3 minutes. Add the berries in an even layer and take off the heat. Do not stir.

For the cake:

1 1/4 sticks (10 tablespoons) unsalted butter, softened.
1/2 cup lightly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar

3 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
Zest of one lemon

1/2 cup half and half

Sift together in a separate bowl
1 3/4 cups cake flour (not all-purpose)
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon


In a mixing bowl, blend butter and sugars with a mixer until it is lighter in color and creamy. Add eggs, lemon zest, and vanilla and mix. Add sifted mixture and half&half in turns and mix until blended. Spoon batter over berries in an even layer. Bake 30 minutes, until top is golden brown and springy to the touch.

Remove from oven and allow to cool in the skillet for at least 10 minutes before loosening with a knife around the edges and inverting onto a serving plate. (Turn skillet and plate while pressing them together as one unit)

Serve wedges warm or room temperature with fresh whipped cream.

Dream: Things are Unfriendly in Portland

My dreams sure are strange.

In my dream I drove to Portland, and did half of the drive in my sleep, so I wasn't really sure where I was. Tony met me and we checked into a hotel. Unfortunately, our room had no privacy, because the elevator was inside it, and there was no door on the bathroom.

We found out there was some kind of film festival going on. This would have been cool if that was what we were there for, but we didn't want to participate. It seemed like there were people absolutely everywhere, and they were so focused on the film festival that they overran everything.

Then we came upon a street with lots of little shops and a pub on the corner that was painted bright green. I was remarking that I had seen it before in a dream, so I wanted to explore. Film festival people were everywhere, and they were very unhappy with us being there since we were not participating in the event.

At one point I asked a woman on the corner who was a local "Are people usually more friendly here?"

"Not really." she said. "Not like you'd think."

The rest of the dream was spent trying to get back to the car to get out of Portland and away from the hostile people. It was totally weird, because I know Portland is a laid back, cool place. I have considered several times to relocate there and have looked at schools up there for continuing my education.

If I ever see that pub in real life, I will laugh so hard.