Okay, Now What?

So I have passed the NCLEX exam and can check the whole "get a career" thing off my to-do list (again-I did this when I became a chef, too). It is a huge relief to have Nursing School behind me and a freshly minted RN license in my pocket. I'm in my new job and loving it even though I am "the new guy" and still grinding gears and finding my way around. My patients like me and the doctors are receptive to my input. I even heard an attending physician tell a resident that I know my stuff. (Oh my gosh that felt good!)

I'm also on the precipice of building my family in a more permanent way. Still holding my breath for the legal hurdles we face over Little J next month. We have reasons to be optimistic about that, although until he is finally adopted I will not be able to exhale. Too many weird things happen in the courts for me to be able to predict the outcome with anything like confidence.

After years of excruciating work and no small measure of heartbreak, all of the above came to fruition at the same time. We moved into our wonderful new house, I graduated, we got a kid the next day, and I passed the boards last week. Life has been pretty lively. I'm just now starting to enjoy the rewards of all this rapid-fire change.

As any good Warrior Goddess would, I thrive when I am conquering. Resting on my laurels has never been my thing. I like to look ahead and dream big and overcome the trials to get the prize. I'm trying to open my mind to what comes next. I am taking a year off of school so I can explore my new job and decide what path to take to advance in my career. At some point I will have to decide if Little J will remain an only child or if I dare tempt fate to ask for a daughter again. Big stuff.


Here's some possible school options:

1. Bridge to my BSN degree: This will most certainly happen, I just need to work out how soon to tackle that odious set of prerequisites. I need to take Statistics and some Chemistry. Ugh. 
2. Become a Nurse Practitioner? Maybe. If I really like clinical practice and find floor nursing limiting, this would be a good option.
3. Masters/PhD in Medical Anthropology: I LOVE this idea, but sadly UNR's Anthropology program is one I have ruled out as an option for a number of reasons. If I go with this option, we would have to move out of state. Not that I can't handle an adventure, it is just a really big move/investment. Tony would need to agree, and I just don't think he is ready for me to be heavy into school again like that. Nursing School was tough enough on our relationship.

Here's some possible family options:

1. Adopt privately: Avoid the rigors of Washoe County altogether and find an agency I can stand to work with. Adopt a domestic infant or go abroad. Costly, but less uncertainty (only a little less) once a match is made.
2. Continue to foster: Could we get lucky again or will we get our hearts broken? Big, huge gamble. Very low legal costs once an adoption can happen. Big time commitment. 
3. Keep J as an only child: I dunno. I don't feel like the family is quite "done". Most parents can relate to that. You know when you are done adding members to the family, and I'm not there yet.
4. Get another dog: We got Ember at a time when I was dying for a baby and it just wasn't happening. It helped me by giving me something small and helpless to nurture. Still, having only one dog now is less chaotic.

Misc. Goals:

1. I need to do things to enhance my health and physical energy. In other words, get a grip on my stress-eating and get my butt off the sofa. Lots of options and classes, but have been waiting for my schedule to shake out.
2. I need to get back in the groove of making art. That is: writing and also trying out other forms I have always wanted to improve in. I can't decide if blogging counts.
3. Getting my spiritual house in order so that I can do ANY of the above with a little more hope and faith, rather than stressing out all the time.
4. Take a vacation to Europe. This is way overdue.

Bartering vs. Buying

Maybe it is the recession that is getting on my nerves, but I am starting to look around for things that I can get rid of, sell, or trade to get the things I really need. I don't actually really need much, but things still feel unbalanced. I seem to have too much of things I don't need, and someone else might be able to use.

Of course, most NORMAL people tell me to just have a garage sale and get a little bit of cash for my randomness. I don't really know if I have enough "big" items to attract the folks that love to comb over that stuff. My other issue is that watching other people paw over my things gives me an unaccountable case of the creeps. I am leery of strangers to the point of near xenophobia, which is funny because I am generally very outgoing. But having that many strangers near my house and trying to decide if my silly heirlooms are worth 50 cents causes me to want to flee screaming. I wish I was overstating that.

Mostly I want some new, unique, and artistic objects d'art or services that really connect me better to my friends. I don't want to deal with too many strangers. I want to do things for and give things to people I can get more of that intangible stuff from. I'm looking for a little spiritual currency. I am trying to explain it and feel I am doing a pretty poor job at it.

For example, say I have a single antique vase that came from my family but that isn't my favorite and I would be willing to part with it. It isn't worth enough to sell to an antique dealer, and in any case they are not the sorts of folks I relish dealing with, especially after my experience having that old mixed box of silver and silver plate appraised. But if a friend thought they might like to have it, because it would look cute on their windowbox or something, I would gladly give it. And maybe that friend would buy me a latte, or paint my toenails for me, or give me a cute drawing I could frame and put on the wall.

Or maybe I could make something small like my lavender and lemon tea cake for a friend who likes sweets in exchange for some venison that their hunting father filled their freezer with.

Or I could write a little poem or story for someone, and they might want to do something for me from the art that they practice.

Or I could work someone's trade show booth and score a new shirt or shiny object for my effort.

Little things that friends do for each other is what I am after, I guess. But I get so isolated by my crazy schedule that I lose out on a lot of that, and seem to offer less of it because I am so focused on trying to keep my family in home cooked meals. Maybe if someone made me a casserole I could feed my family with, I could help paint a set, write a play, milk a goat, make some cheese, organize some books, or whatever thing would teach me something new and get me out of my own head, where I just tend to chase myself in circles.

Sure, I could work harder and pay people to do those things for me. But that is impersonal. Sometimes that is alright, but right now I would rather do small things and trade small gifts and get some new experiences and objects connected to memories and people that I care about.

LOL. Maybe I can find someone who needs more of my quirky stuff and energy who can teach me to manage what little money I have. I have a bunch of financial books, but they just make me depressed.

So, I will start with this: I have a collage I made when I was a working Chef. It is in a poster frame and currently hangs over my desk. It has funny little things clipped out of magazines, pictures and quotes and a cute photo of Julia Child. It might look good in someone's kitchen. I love it, but I would like to make a new one and need the space. Want it? I'll give it to you. If you live in Reno or the Bay Area, I will bring it to you. And if you want to trade me something for it now, great. Otherwise, surprise me with something small and personal later.

Wanderlust

I have 4 months until I go to school full time. It seems like that would be plenty of time to do stuff that I want to do and also buy textbooks and pay tuition, etc. Maybe it is. All I know is that I am hip-deep in scholarship paperwork and so many demands for money that I am feeling a bit pinned down.

What I really want is a long, solo road trip. I want to taste salt air. I want to get kidnapped after a fashion and have some new, fun shit happen to me before I have to buckle down for 2 years of intense study and 3 years of mandated payback work.

All of my time off from work has centered around taking A to doctor appointments and visits with her bio family. I haven't taken much time for myself. And when I did go to SF a while back, I got totally sick and that certainly minimized my enjoyment.

But planning any kind of trip, family or solo, gets hampered by the stack of mounting bills for this school project. One of my fall classes has 12 textbooks! Twelve! What the hell? Between that and my fervent desire to pay off my car, trying to carve out a lost weekend seems impossible.

You would think I would want more family time, but I have always hankered for alone time trips. Becoming a parent has not changed that desire. It might seem selfish and maybe it is, but my sanity is sometimes tenuous and a long drive clears the cobwebs like nothing else.