Dream: The Priest and I Don't Agree

I dreamed last night that I went back to Ohio for a visit and was over at my father's house to see my sister. For some reason, their parish priest was there for a visit, in full high-ceremonial finery, no less.

He and my stepmom were talking about the Mel Gibson epic "The Passion of the Christ", and how he thinks that everyone should see it to gain an appreciation for the Christian faith.

I am my outspoken self even in my dreams, so naturally I said I had avoided that movie because it was just too violent for my liking. I don't need to watch a religious snuff film. My nightmares are fueled with enough images for several lifetimes already.

Sigh. This was not a popular viewpoint. The priest started in on me about it, and the fact that he felt my spirituality was flawed because I lacked a proper fear of God. We argued back and forth so much that I didn't even get to visit with my family and left in disgust.

An interesting observation that I had about this dream when I woke up is that my family, rather than coming to my aid, mostly just rolled their eyes at me and apologized to the priest for how I was offending him.

It is true that I am distant with my dad's side of the family. My father and I have had periods of estrangement to the point that my siblings (all much younger than me) barely know me. I am an utter stranger to my youngest sister Molly, which was never my intention. It just got too hard to bridge the distance of 2300 miles and the emotional gulf that still lies like an open wound from where my brother Ryan used to be. Without him to bridge the generation gap as it were, I feel totally old and separate and different from the rest of my brothers and sisters.

Of course, I am different in that I have a different mother than they do. And I live far away. And I am a whole generation older. And I am different from most other people in a lot of weird little ways, or so I am told. I feel vastly misunderstood sometimes. Luckily for me I have people in my life who at least mostly get me as a person. But the fact remains that it has always been a regret of mine that I couldn't rise above the hard times I was having with my father to be there for my siblings more.

When Ryan was alive, he did that. He looked out for them. I am a poor substitute for him in that regard. I'm trying, little by little, to let them know now that I am in their corner, that I have always loved them, that I am, unlike Ryan, still within reach. In still, small movements, I am just trying to be there.

I may have imperfect faith, but I do have perfect love, if not fully expressed yet. It is still a big gap, but when wounds heal, the edges get closer together. Healing is my business, so I guess Ryan would want me to do the work.For him I really will.

I Dissaprove-Mail Fraud?

Ok, so this is messed up. I got a handwritten letter in the mail addressed to myself and my husband by name. I didn't recognize the name or return address, but it came from someone with a Reno address.

Inside was an earnest note on loose leaf binder paper encouraging me to consider this person's offer to come to my home, for free, to study the bible with me. Hmmm.

Regular readers of this space will understand that this is not considered a valid reason to invade my privacy. Bible-thumping Apocalypse Cheerleaders give me the willies worse than just about anything else. All I could think was: how did these people get my name and address? Is this the beginning of a disturbing trend? And generally What the Fuck?????!!?!?!?!?

Is this considered mail fraud somehow? I have never filled out any kind of card inviting people to preach to me via mail. How did my name come up? We have an unlisted phone number, so it is unlikely we are in the phone book. Bizarre. I don't approve.

Gay marriage ban overturned in California

There are lots of stories all over the AP wire today about the ins and outs of the decision that came down today in California. I'm not even going to attempt political discourse on this topic, but just want to say that I'm pleased. At least for now. Conservatives are bound to get all whipped into a frenzy over this, perhaps especially closeted gay Republicans like Larry Craig. There is already a voter-led ban headed for the November ballot that could undo today's ruling. We are sure to hear more about this issue going into the presidential race, too.

I mean, we really need to worry about gays and lesbians wanting to form their own family units SO much more than the war or the economy, right? I mean come on, if we are in Great Depression 2.0, and you can't afford to buy bread, are you gonna care if Adam and Steve are making honest men out of each other? Or will you donate your sugar rations so they can have a proper cake, and maybe the'll save you a slice? We need more things to celebrate, in my opinion, and fewer things to lament.

I'm already married (to a dude! how retro of me!), but I wish I had a cute girlfriend to celebrate today with. Life is complicated enough without having the whole world hate you just because you love someone they don't approve of. Marriage is hard, too. If same-gender folks want to jump into the lifetime committment game, why not let them have all the benefits and burdens that entails?

People get all exercised about "the children" in these scenarios. Honestly, kids just need love and stability. I sincerely doubt they care who they get it from.

I can think of a few straight marriages that do more damage to the "institution" of marriage than any of my gay friends ever could. I don't need to name names, but let's just say that when K-Fed is the more responsible parent, the world is already topsy-turvy.

Bush burns the Royal Alexandria Library!

http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2008/03/20/iraq_roundtable/index.html

Great, but long article in Salon today about the looting of the National Museum in Baghdad and of some of the world's most important archaeological digs. I'm going to break my own politics embargo to talk about it.

One of the first things that happened in this misbegotten war that made an indelible impression on me was the ransacking of the National Museum. Since I have an interest in history and archeology and anthropology, the looting of treasures from the ancient world caused me intense distress. This is in every way the cradle of human life and civilization. Mesopotamia, and Southern Iraq in particular is where the earliest record of human recorded history, of evidence of math and science and poetry, have been found. Even the garden of Eden is supposed to be in that neighborhood, the rivers Tigris and Euphrates passing through it.

I remember going out to lunch with a friend at the time, and saying to her that this was the worst cultural devastation since the burning of the Royal Alexandria Library. That the loss of those artifacts, hundreds of thousands of them, represents priceless information about the origins of human civilization that may never be recovered. I was gutted over it. If I recall correctly, she misunderstood my concern and admonished me that some old pottery was not as important as the human lives being lost.

True, "The Epic of Gilgamesh" is not a person. It also will not render oil if you squeeze it, or explode if your fire it out of a gun. Sumerian religion is profoundly Anti-Christian in a lot of ways, and contains goddesses who are dynamic and powerful in their own right, and exult in their sexuality as well as their prowess in battle. Inanna wasn't any body's meek and modest mother. She was a fearsome and powerful spiritual force.

But if not for the Sumerians, we wouldn't have the Bible. Much of the Old Testament and early Jewish lore is generally believed to have been cribbed from even earlier Sumerian and Assyrian works. They had a flood and everything. The similarities are staggering.

That the modern world turns its back on this cultural genocide just makes us more vulnerable to the barbarism that precipitates actual genocide. Losing the clay tablets buried in the earth robs us of a piece of our humanity. That our leaders don't understand it is a travesty. It really shows what their priorities are.

After all, people don't render oil when you squeeze them, either.

I'm not crazy, YOU ARE.

To the mentally unhinged woman that left me over 30 voice mails at work over the weekend:

1. Oh. My. God. Get help. Get help right now before you hurt yourself, or worse yet, someone else.

2. You are not a "devout Christian" like you say you are. You are a raving lunatic who needs medicine ASAP.

3. God does not kill people at your request, no matter how much you pray.

4. Nobody has stolen your organs, so they can't be given back to you.

5. I don't think you are even aware that you were leaving that many voice mails, or even that you were speaking into a recording.

6. You scared the crap outta me. Just the sound of your raving sent a chill down my spine and brought me to tears.

7. Accusing innocent and perhaps imaginary people of murdering children is an innapropriate use of government resources.

8. You don't know me at all, and for that I am grateful. But I had to listen to each and every one of your messages to ensure that our staff was not being directly threatened with harm.

9. Who knows if we will even find you, since you didn't say your name and we can only guess.

10. Thank you for ruining my morning. You may be excused.

And for anybody in my life who has ever called me crazy. You are just wrong.

FAQ from the Stacie owner's manual

Some frequently asked questions I would prefer not to have to clarify any more. These are real questions people ask me on such a regular basis, it grates on my nerves.

Do you know you talk a lot?
Um, yeah. You wouldn't believe how mean people can be about it, so I have been told in many rude ways that I talk a lot. It happens a lot more when I am nervous or excited. Otherwise, I am just sort of naturally loquatious.

You say you can't have babies? Can I ask you for all the personal details? Don't you think you will get pregnant now that you are adopting?
I would really rather keep my medical issues and/or those of my husband private. Please take my word for it when I insist that it will never "just happen".

Well, I (questioner) am pregnant. Can I tell you, or will you have a nervous breakdown?
Of course you may tell me. At least give me the chance to tell you how happy I am for you. I love children, that is why I want to add some to my own family. I might feel a little sad sometimes that I won't ever experience pregnancy myself, but I also know that is my problem. I promise I will get over it and dote on your baby when it comes. I'm not going to freak out and toss myself out a window. That being said, if you make a big deal out of it like you are the first woman in history to ever give birth, and go on and on about how I am missing out on the magic, I'm likely to tell you it makes me uncomfortable.

Will you come to my baby shower?
No, I will not. I find that they make me too upset. It is good to know your limits, right?

What happened to your daughter's "real" parents?
We prefer to use the terms bio-parents or birth parents or first parents. In the ways that really matter day to day, I am "A"'s "real" mom. In any case, the details of her family of origin, as well as the specific reasons they are unable to parent her, are a part of her story, and thus hers to tell later on if she so chooses.

Do you accept Jesus as your personal saviour? Do you know you will got to hell if you don't?
No, and no I won't. Next question please.

Can I change your mind about that if I threaten you with violence or harrass you in some other way?
Sorry. No dice.

How does your husband put up with you?
He likes me. That, and I am so good in bed that he's willing to overlook my flaws. Come on, are you serious? Don't you see how insulting that question is?

You write fiction? Is it about me?
It is only about you if you piss me off. Then something very,very bad will happen to your character. You might have to sit on a donut for a while.

You quit being a chef? Why would you ever quit such an awesome job? It looks so cool on TV!
Haven't you figured out yet that life is not just like TV? Being a chef was a wonderfully creative job, and one that other people thought was pretty cool. It is also a profession that is really hard on family time, as well as being back-breaking work that I can't picture doing until I retire.

Will you go back to Alliance, Ohio for your next high school reunion?
No. Really. Fuck no. I'm still friends with the people I need. I'd rather crawl on my belly over broken glass and take an alcohol bath than go back there. Especially to hang out with people who never thought it was important to keep in touch in the first place.

There. That oughtta do it for a while. You may be excused.

Stacie the Blasphemer

Just in time for the glut of Holiday Cheer (tm), I am feeling contrary. Not that I don't like Christmas; in fact I have found myself increasingly sentimental as my first Christmas with my little girl approaches. But the usual rounds of Christmas-time focus on "family values" really gets my "shan't" motor running.

I especially don't like the groups that come out with hand-wringing pronouncements (at any time of year) about what children need to be shielded from. Pretty much any time someone says to me "Think of the children!", my knee-jerk reaction is to check out whatever taboo thing I am being advised to avoid. Right now all the fuss over the movie "The Golden Compass", based on the book by Phillip Pullman, is causing such a reaction.

Catholic and other Christian groups are crying foul because of some of the books themes, notably an anti-authoritarian attitude in that fictional universe that is being decried as an Anti-Church stand in this one. Critics are saying that exposing children to such ideas are "dangerous". BIG red flag.

Mind you, these books/films are not saying literally, "God is bad and you should disobey him as soon as possible". They criticize the human power structure surrounding and controlling man's access to the divine. Why exactly is it wrong to look critically at that?

Personally, I find that assertions that the innocence of children must be protected at all costs just tend to infantalize the adults. And anyway, I wouldn't be a very good parent if one book could unhinge all of my teaching about right and wrong, regardless of whether the framework for that right and wrong is rooted in religion or not.

It is getting all to common and casual to treat athiests/agnostics/pagans/whatever as some kind of communicable disease. Honestly, if that were true, I would be thumping a bible right now, due to all the well-meaning souls who have tried to instill a sense of piety in me by any means necessary. I have been subjected to some frontier-justice prostheletyzing in my time. It just won't stick. I refuse to humbly submit to my husband/the church/anybody else's idea of what I should do with my inner life.

And as for the children, I would like a little tiny bit of credit for being a grownup who can make choices for my own family. So, will I let "A" read "The Golden Compass"? I'm going to read it myself first and decide based on my own judgment, not what some hysterical bunch of church ladies think. I don't agree with them on anything else, so I doubt I will withhold any books based on their say so.

In any case, "A" is still learning her ABC's, so I'm off the hook for a bit.

And will I see the movie? I might rent it. I heard it was only "just okay" compared to the book. So I will read the book first to prevent ruining it for myself. This approach worked well for the Narnia series. If I had seen that movie first, I doubt I would have read the books. And that would have been a dirty shame.