Showing posts with label nursing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nursing. Show all posts

Monday, August 2, 2021

A topic that affects Nursing Education

 


Nurses have long been at the forefront of pandemic education and treatment, dating back to antiquity, nurses heave waded into the field to fearlessly treat the sick when even clergy were afraid to do so. While Florence Nightingale was not the first nurse, her work in the Crimean War is notable for its work in the art of healing as much as for bravery. In 1854, she took 38 volunteer nurses right into the heart of the conflict to care for wounded and dying soldiers. Nightingale was the first to organize the discipline of nursing and to insist upon cleanliness of the healing environment, and started the standardized training of nurses. An expert statistician, Nightingale was able to track which treatments were successful and was able to share her findings, making a huge impact on the survival rates of the soldiers in her care. (Neal-Boylan, 2020) Whenever there is a pandemic, nurses leave the comfort of their homes and families and head right into the danger in their service of others, and many indeed die in the effort themselves. Nurses are repeatedly ranked as trustworthy among the other professions. The purpose of this paper is to explore a current issue that is having an impact upon the profession of nursing. Namely, that of the impact of the Coronavirus (Covid-19) pandemic that is still causing new infections and death, despite the availability of vaccines. There is even vaccine hesitancy among some healthcare workers, and this is particularly dismaying as the Delta variant of the virus has started to become the dominant strain responsible for the more recent surge of disease.

Description of the issue

In addition to working hard to care for victims of Covid-19, nurses and other healthcare workers are also having to battle the tidal wave of healthcare misinformation that is like a second plague, spread by social media and causing otherwise thoughtful people to decline a vaccine that has been proven to be safe. This has caused the World Health Organization to declare the anti-vaccine movement to be a grave danger to public health worldwide. The organization ranks this risk as being as dangerous as climate change and threatens to undermine 100 years of using vaccines safely to prevent millions of deaths annually. (Trimble, 2019)

Even as more and more information about the dangers of the highly-virulent Delta variant becomes available, the unvaccinated seem no closer to being part of the solution by getting vaccinated, and indeed seem to take fewer precautions. The lack of concern appears to be unmoved by reports of the danger they are in, and the danger that getting infected would pose to the more vulnerable members of their families and communities. The unvaccinated are also more likely to forego other precautions such as wearing a mask.(Enten, 2021)

History and background of what led up to the issue.

Countless healthcare workers find themselves working long days caring for those infected with Covid-19, and then find themselves going online in their off hours and battling misinformation. Baseless claims spread like wildfire, partly because there is no fact-checking process or peer review to contend with as with scientific findings. It should also be noted that those who would promulgate falsehoods often greet fact-checkers with vitriol and threats of violence. Some doctors report that, while there are protocols and science for dealing with the disease, there are no such protocols for dealing with the endless barrage of memes, pseudoscience YouTube videos posing as factual, and anti-vaccine demonstrators, such as the group that blocked traffic outside Dodger Stadium to temporarily close down access to shots in pandemic-ridden Los Angeles in February. (Chia, 2021)

Healthcare workers across the country have taken to sharing their own personal stories from the front lines of the pandemic, in hopes of combating misinformation, educating about the severity of the illness, and mitigating fears that the public may have about the vaccines.  But promoting vaccines in what has become a highly polarized climate has become risky, as many advocates may find themselves the targets of cyberattacks or literal threats to their physical safety.  The harassment can be unrelenting and may even include criticism from healthcare workers’ own families. Still, advocacy for the public health is not for the faint of heart, but must be undertaken so that patients may get the right information from a professional who cares. (Chia, 2021)

Assessment of the issue from leaders in nursing.

Aside from personal advocacy such as the examples above, nurses also have nursing organizations that undertake the work of making official position statements and lobbying with legislators. Here is an excerpt from a longer statement from the American Organization for Nursing Leadership: "Now more than ever is the time to reflect on nursing’s role in addressing the issues heightened by these events and to inform a progressive path forward where nurses are well-positioned and prepared to meet the evolving needs of our patients, communities and health care system." (American Organization for Nursing Leadership [AONL], 2020)

The AONL and other organizations such as the American Nurses’ Association (ANA) serve the purpose of providing a cohesive voice for Nurses in the United States. Though nurses have been asked, once again, to step into harm’s way to fight this pandemic one patient at a time, nursing organizations serve as the leadership and advocacy arm for the safety of nurses and the patients they serve. They look at the studies, determine best practice in some cases, and often represent the body of nurses at large when communicating with legislators about healthcare policy-making. The AONL advocates for closing healthcare disparities in the minority populations that are often the hardest hit communities in the pandemic.  They also see an opportunity for nursing as a profession to make gains in status and scope within the medical community as a result of the way nurses have stepped up to the challenge of caring for the critically ill during the pandemic. Such gains may be the kind of push needed to push recalcitrant (AONL, 2020)states with restrictive Nurse Practice Acts to allow nurses, especially Advanced Practice Nurse Practitioners, to work within the fullness of their educational ability in the years to come, filling gaps in access to care. This is especially true in smaller and rural communities which may be limited in healthcare offerings.(AONL, 2020)

Personal assessment of the issue and how it affects nursing education

While nursing organizations do not set forth specific mandates for individual nurses to advocate for scientifically sound rejoinders to the current trend of misinformation that is causing such harm to the public good, it is in the interest of healthcare workers to utilize evidence based practice when evaluating interventions for their patients. It should also be noted that in the Nightingale Pledge, the Nursing equivalent of the Hippocratic Oath, nurses promise to “never take or knowingly administer a harmful drug”. (Pedagogy Infusion, 2021)As of the time of this writing, the current Covid-19 vaccines have been determined to be safe and effective.  Given this and the concurring opinions of Health Departments across the country, nurses should feel safe administering the shots for the community and are tacitly expected to take the vaccine themselves, in a gesture of choosing to be a good example to others.

Nursing Faculty are at the forefront of forming these attitudes of generativity in their students. Because the textbooks that contain information about Covid-19 have yet to be written, it is incumbent upon Nurse Educators to keep abreast of the current state of Covid-19 research, such as it is made available, and to integrate pertinent information into their curricula as it unfolds. Nursing Faculty across the country are asked to encourage their students to get vaccinated for their own protection as well as for the public good.

Even Nursing Students are not immune to misinformation campaigns, much to the consternation of the professors that are trying hard to teach the students how to incorporate evidence based practice into the interventions that they design for their patients. In this author’s own classroom, it was found that among the students who have not yet taken the vaccine, there was a persistent rumor that taking the Covid-19 vaccine would cause infertility. Though baseless, the false information instilled enough fear that some of these students will take needless risks to prevent this outcome, for which there is no credible threat. No appeals with facts or assurances of safety would budge this scary idea. Even in this small of a sample among educated science majors, misinformation stands in the way of leading students in practices that would benefit them greatly as they undertake their clinical rotations with high-risk populations. This is to say nothing of the advice such stubbornly ill-informed nurses may give to others who are considering the vaccine.

Recommendations to remedy this issue

It is important to point out that there is big business in misinformation and disinformation. Anti-vaxxer influencers represent 10 billion USD as a result of their efforts to discredit settled science and keep people too afraid to take vaccines, including Covid-19 vaccines. With millions of followers willing to repost fallacious stories on social media, the lies stack up, some layered with partial truths, to the point where sorting out the objective facts becomes impossible. (Sigma, 2021)

Health Literacy is defined as the way that people understand information about health and healthcare. The general population has lower levels of health literacy than nurses do. Nurses really do need to be the “experts”, since they are uniquely poised to share accurate health information with patients and their families.

The importance of giving patients accurate information about healthcare is vitally important. Nurses are trusted professionals and should know better than to be duped by misinformation, but a small percentage may fall prey to it nonetheless. Teaching students how to verify the credibility of research studies that they encounter is one way to demonstrate that true scientific findings are not disseminated via social media and streaming platforms such as YouTube. Learning how to evaluate studies for relevance and veracity is an important skill for any healthcare major to master. Including such instruction in the nursing curriculum is key to creating students who know how to be discerning about the information that they encounter.

Other types of learning that are essential for nursing students are instruction in Critical Thinking and Logical Fallacies. These topics allow students to pierce the veil of the poorly constructed and hyperbole-containing assertions that are common in disinformation efforts whose main goal is to scare people and cause emotional responses. A student who is trained to spot logical fallacies will be less likely to fall for such cheap ploys.

Nurses need to be the adults in the room, and have a cool head when explaining complex disease management and other health information to their patients. Science subjects are not, once subjected to the rigors of actual controlled study, likely to cause histrionic alarm. As nurses, one is required to be a gentle voice of reason, calming the patient’s fears instead of inflaming them with further erroneous information.

As Nursing Faculty, we ourselves need to make sure we are applying the same rigor to the information that we present to our students. Scientific findings may be changed if disproved by better science, and only that. Having this attitude ourselves and not falling for the products of the rumor mill will allow students to find the professorate a trustworthy source of information, as they are learning to form their own conclusions from the available evidence.

Conclusion

Given that a percentage of the United States population is currently being heavily swayed by fallacious information coming at them from multiple sources, it may become a fact of life that nurses have to do their work with critically ill patients, and then also contend with snarky memes that seem to undermine their work. As much as it is a temptation to ignore such slights against our profession as baseless, our communities do look to us for guidance on such matters. As wearisome as it can become to have to swat away such petty annoyances, to not do so is to leave dangerous misinformation unattended in the fertile soil of the public’s collective imagination. Far better to prune such baobabs when small, than to have to attempt a more established tree with roots that run deep with the rot of information that is wielded by unknown parties with an agenda designed to make us mentally weaker and physically sicker.


References

American Organization for Nursing Leadership. (2020). The Impact of COVID-19 on the Nursing Profession in the U.S. AONL. https://www.aonl.org/resources/covid-19/impact-of-covid19-on-nurses

Chia, A. (2021, February 24). ‘If not us, then who?’. Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/02/24/doctor-nurse-online-vaccine-rumors/

Enten, H. (2021, August 1). The data shows the unvaccinated don't fear the virus, even as they are most at risk. CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2021/08/01/politics/unvaccinated-fear-virus-analysis/index.html

Neal-Boylan, L. (2020, May 11). Nurses on the front lines: A history of heroism from Florence Nightingale to coronavirus. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/nurses-on-the-front-lines-a-history-of-heroism-from-florence-nightingale-to-coronavirus-137369

Pedagogy Infusion. (2021). The Florence Nightingale Pledge. Retrieved August 1, 2021, from https://www.pedagogyeducation.com/Infusion-Campus/Resource-Library/General/Florence-Nightingale-Nurses-Pledge.aspx

Sigma. (2021). Addressing Vaccine Misinformation in Nursing [Presentation]. https://sigma.nursingrepository.org/bitstream/handle/10755/21830/Slides.pdf?sequence=2&isAllowed=y

Trimble, M. (2019, January 6). WHO: Anti-Vaccine Movement a Top Threat in 2019. US News. https://www.usnews.com/news/national-news/articles/2019-01-16/who-names-vaccine-hesitancy-as-top-world-threat-in-2019

Monday, July 26, 2010

Okay, Now What?

So I have passed the NCLEX exam and can check the whole "get a career" thing off my to-do list (again-I did this when I became a chef, too). It is a huge relief to have Nursing School behind me and a freshly minted RN license in my pocket. I'm in my new job and loving it even though I am "the new guy" and still grinding gears and finding my way around. My patients like me and the doctors are receptive to my input. I even heard an attending physician tell a resident that I know my stuff. (Oh my gosh that felt good!)

I'm also on the precipice of building my family in a more permanent way. Still holding my breath for the legal hurdles we face over Little J next month. We have reasons to be optimistic about that, although until he is finally adopted I will not be able to exhale. Too many weird things happen in the courts for me to be able to predict the outcome with anything like confidence.

After years of excruciating work and no small measure of heartbreak, all of the above came to fruition at the same time. We moved into our wonderful new house, I graduated, we got a kid the next day, and I passed the boards last week. Life has been pretty lively. I'm just now starting to enjoy the rewards of all this rapid-fire change.

As any good Warrior Goddess would, I thrive when I am conquering. Resting on my laurels has never been my thing. I like to look ahead and dream big and overcome the trials to get the prize. I'm trying to open my mind to what comes next. I am taking a year off of school so I can explore my new job and decide what path to take to advance in my career. At some point I will have to decide if Little J will remain an only child or if I dare tempt fate to ask for a daughter again. Big stuff.


Here's some possible school options:
  1. Bridge to my BSN degree: This will most certainly happen, I just need to work out how soon to tackle that odious set of prerequisites. I need to take Statistics and some Chemistry. Ugh. 
  2. Become a Nurse Practitioner? Maybe. If I really like clinical practice and find floor nursing limiting, this would be a good option.
  3. Masters/PhD in Medical Anthropology: I LOVE this idea, but sadly UNR's Anthropology program is one I have ruled out as an option for a number of reasons. If I go with this option, we would have to move out of state. Not that I can't handle an adventure, it is just a really big move/investment. Tony would need to agree, and I just don't think he is ready for me to be heavy into school again like that. Nursing School was tough enough on our relationship.
Here's some possible family options:
  1. Adopt privately: Avoid the rigors of Washoe County altogether and find an agency I can stand to work with. Adopt a domestic infant or go abroad. Costly, but less uncertainty (only a little less) once a match is made.
  2. Continue to foster: Could we get lucky again or will we get our hearts broken? Big, huge gamble. Very low legal costs once an adoption can happen. Big time commitment. 
  3. Keep J as an only child: I dunno. I don't feel like the family is quite "done". Most parents can relate to that. You know when you are done adding members to the family, and I'm not there yet.
  4. Get another dog: We got Ember at a time when I was dying for a baby and it just wasn't happening. It helped me by giving me something small and helpless to nurture. Still, having only one dog now is less chaotic.
Misc. Goals:
  1. I need to do things to enhance my health and physical energy. In other words, get a grip on my stress-eating and get my butt off the sofa. Lots of options and classes, but have been waiting for my schedule to shake out.
  2. I need to get back in the groove of making art. That is: writing and also trying out other forms I have always wanted to improve in. I can't decide if blogging counts.
  3. Getting my spiritual house in order so that I can do ANY of the above with a little more hope and faith, rather than stressing out all the time.
  4. Take a vacation to Europe. This is way overdue.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Dream: Showing up for Nursing Boards Naked

Plus Bonus Dream Subplot: Europe Won't Allow my Yankee Spices!

More wacky stories from the sideshow that is my subconscious.

I dreamed the other night that due to bad time management and stress, I showed up an hour late for my appointment for the NCLEX exam, plus I was naked. Plus, instead of a written test, it was to be a practical demonstration of cadaver dissection overseen by my old Anatomy & Physiology professor, Doctor Burke. He didn't approve of my lateness but didn't seem to notice the fact that I was nude. I had to dress in full isolation gear as if I was treating a patient with MRSA or TB, and go and quickly dissect a corpse without making a mess of it. In two hours.  Actually, I think that actually would be easier than taking the real NCLEX, but I digress...

One of the reasons I was stressed in the dream was that I had to pass on the first try, because I was moving to Europe to practice Nursing immediately afterward. It was in the back of my mind that the customs people had told me that I couldn't take my Dean & Deluca spices with me. Not like European countries don't have spices available, but I had purchased these at considerable expense and wanted to take them along. I was building an argument in my head that I should be allowed to take Herbes De Provence to freaking Provence! The nerve!

My dreams have been so jumbled up lately. I think I am finally processing all the changes I have been through since May. Life has been damn busy, and once I get past the NCLEX, things can calm down a bit. That is, if I let them. I am so accustomed to being in near-constant motion that I am not sure I know HOW to relax anymore. By the end of summer I hope to have fewer things hanging over my head and can enjoy the rewards of all this hard work!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In Case of Emergency

Dude, what is up? Has the whole world gone crazy or what? I'm stressed. My friends are stressed. My family is stressed. People don't have jobs that need them, and it is getting just nuts.

I swear, if I were not the strongest woman alive, I don't know what I would do.

I don't know if I am being semi-successful at adjusting to the sad new truths in my life, or if I am becoming numb, or if there is some siren song of future happiness just out of my range of hearing. I am beset on all sides by trouble, and I seem to be doing ok, considering the circumstances.

I want so badly to have something witty or even comforting to say. I wish I could just wrap my arms around everyone and hide us all from the world until this blows over. I want to cook everyone dinner and give everyone wine and try and find the humor in all of it. If you don't laugh, you cry, right?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Dream-Needles and Pins

Ah, old fashioned stress dreams. Just what I need. My poor brain is crying uncle already this semester.

I had a dream last night that I was with a couple of my professors from nursing school, and I was searching all around for the equipment I needed to either give shots or start an I.V., so basically I had fistfuls of sterile wrapped needles.

I was trying to stare unblinking and watch as Mrs. Croysdill inserted the needle into my own arm to demonstrate the finer points of the technique. But it HURT, so I closed my eyes. When I opened them, she was telling me to take out the needles whenever I wanted.

There were about 100 of them, inserted in my skin all over both of my arms. And not just IV needles, but sewing pins and darning needles and stuff.

So, one by one, with mobility limited by all the pointy needles, I had to pull them all out. For some reason I was either unable or unwilling to ask for help.

That about sums up how I feel about my life right now. Although I adore my professors and fellow students, I am stressed and somewhat helpless feeling.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Front-Loaded

The first two weeks of this semester are what the instructors called "front-loaded". That means extra lectures crammed into an already packed schedule and double the clinical lab time. So, if you have been wondering where the heck I have been, that's where.

Next week starts the "normal" schedule. So I will only be crazy busy and not insanely crazy busy.

I'm loving school and my classmates and professors are awesome. But I am TIRED!!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Nursing School-First Semester Recap



I survived my first semester of Nursing School! Yay me!

I have a HUGE binder full of notes already! WOW!

What did I learn the last 4 months? Here's a tongue in cheek recap:
  • If you go to the hospital and you have to have a Foley Catheter put in, don't be surprised if the Student Nurse assigned to your care is all excited to "try this on a live person"!
  • In the world of Nursing School, getting a 90% is a B. Why? That is so mean.
  • If you are in the hospital and have to choose between having a Foley Catheter inserted in your urethra or a Nasogastric tube up your nose, pick the catheter, hands-down. Don't ask why. Just trust me.
  • There are things that make young people sick that cause dementia symptoms in older adults. Why would a urinary tract infection cause dementia? Who the hell knows, but if your elder becomes suddenly confused, that might be one cause.
  • To be able to do the things that nurses do that involve bodily fluids and may be unpleasant aspects of the job, nurses have seriously twisted senses of humor. More proof that I have picked the right profession.
  • I am already making what I hope will be lifelong friendships. There is no joke there. I just really have a lot of affection for almost all of the people I go to school with. Getting through a tough program like this is as bonding as sharing a foxhole. Only with more pee.
Thanks to all my supportive friends and family for putting up with me in full stress-mode the last few weeks.

School starts again on January 26th.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Bedside Manner and Other Useful Things

I got a very nice compliment from one of my fellow students today. She overheard me when I was doing my practical midterm (which involved elaborate role play) and said that she thought I had a great bedside manner. That was super nice of her to say. I really respect her opinion, so I will savor that comment.

That would be one of the applications in life where having the gift of gab comes in handy. I don't have any difficulty talking to patients, even about complex medical things. In a clinical setting, I find it very easy to speak to strangers, so long as I am the one wearing the scrubs. All that theatre background works to my advantage.

I am the most extroverted introvert I know. In certain situations I can be very shy. Most people who know me only superficially would never believe that. But I have my secrets and am a very private person in some respects. I have funny quirks about my social life, and it takes a lot for most people to breach my outer wall.

But I have a very open face. I always remind people of their niece for some reason. Or their favorite outspoken cousin. It is actually a little funny to watch what happens when people underestimate me because I look so soft and cuddly. I do have a spine under all of that, which people find out when they try to test me. Most folks don't try twice, because when provoked or hurt I can have a volcanic temper.

Luckily, I don't really stay angry for long. In most cases I am very forgiving, with only a few rare exceptions.

I think I may manage to be a good nurse after all. I was surprised to see how broad the scope of nursing is, both in the spectrum of what you need to know and be responsible for, and in the latitude for actually being caring to people and advocating for them. It is pretty interesting how much better I am fitting into this than I thought at first.

Anyway, that is the randomness for today. I still have 2 more midterms. I thought I had one today, but it is next Thursday instead. That's fine, but I will be so glad when next week is over all the same. Then I get to write a paper, whee!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Whoo Boy-Midterms!

I have been living this monastic lifestyle for half a semester, with mostly good and some mixed results. I am not immune to stress, by any means. I am doing much better than I thought I would by now, but exams always get my goat to an extent. And the midterms are going to fill my life for the next 8-9 days. There are four exams: 10-13, 10-14, 10-16 and 10-20. Ack.

I have made very little time for friends and family, and for the next week it is worse. I made sure I got in some quality time with Tony and Little A this weekend, especially today. I feel guilty for being so emotionally labile and holed up in my office or the Library down the street, or gone because I am out walking to try and manage the stress. Sheesh!

And what time I am making for people, I am so disordered because I am all business about school so that brings a strange intensity to how I interact with my friends. I want to figure things out, settle them, get them in order. That isn't my job to sort them out. Sorry guys.

Maybe not during winter break, but next summer I think I need to tour some theme parks and ride roller coasters and act like a big kid a little to shake off all this serious. Holy Moly. I have a headache at the moment and just the thought of cotton candy makes me a little ill. I have had very little sugar in my diet lately.

Where should I go? Great America? I haven't been there in ages. I used to love to go with my friends in high school when I was still living in Palo Alto/Los Altos. Anybody wanna go with me?

We are talking about taking Little A to Disneyland next summer sometime. She'll be four then and should get a kick out of it. Or she'll be tired and cranky and we will lose our minds. Who knows?

I am so "Ipso Collapso" right now: so stressed I think I am going to fall down. Thank goodness that even though I complain about the pressure, I tend to do just fine, academic-wise. It isn't luck or natural genius, I just work my ass off.

And speaking of my ass. It is smaller. All my dang pants are falling off me. No time to shop. This is silly, but it is a problem I don't mind having. All that working out is doing something. Even Tony noticed that there is less of me. Whew. About time, too.

I'm just trying to abide, like The Dude says.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

So, Stace! How's it going?

The short answer is that it is going well.

The long answer, because with me there always is one, is that it is going well but it is very intense and stressful these days.

Two people have already dropped out of the nursing program I am in. I knew there would be a steep rate of attrition, but it seems so soon to be losing people.

I'm in what feels like an almost constant scramble to get things done, even though I am as organized as I can be and allowing myself almost no social life.

I feel like I am starting to sabotage myself in little ways. I am a natural hedonist, so self-discipline does not come naturally to me. Maybe I am just blowing off steam or whatever. I have also had a few creative writing projects clamoring for, and getting, a little of my attention.

I do wonder if taking time to write prose is an acceptable outlet for my stress, or a stalling technique that keeps me out of my textbooks. Either way, some short stories are getting written in between things.

I'm still going to the gym 5-6 days a week. My body wants to hold onto this weight SOOOOO bad! I have fallen off the healthy eating for about 2 days and feel like crap. *Sigh* Oh well, back on the healthy food tomorrow. It does help; I just don't always do what is good for me.

So, I am stressed and constantly pressed for time, but the few people I do talk to keep commenting on how happy I sound.

There are some good reasons for that; each one is as valid as the next. Yes, I am out of that annoying job for the most part and around interesting and stimulating people. I am eating healthy and exercising. I am doing something to develop myself. There is some aspect of better living through modern medicine. I am making plans for the future. All of that. Also, I have really supportive people around me that make all of the stress either seem worth it or that amuse me and make me smile. I love feeling that people are investing in my success and it feels spectacular to be cared about. You know who you are.

So, yeah. Stressed, but happy.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Getting Political

So, I decided to throw my hat into the ring for our class elections next week. Our class is supposed to select three reps to attend faculty meetings and advocate for student issues. That means I am officially campaigning, I guess.

I'm not super-fussed either way. I'd like to serve as a rep but don't know if my peers will choose to elect me. I'm kind of a pain in the ass, but in a class rep that could be a good thing.

So, yeah. Um. Go me! I guess I decided to go for it because my adviser has such a high opinion of my natural leadership skills. We will see if it ends up being more about who is popular. Even at the college level and at my age I am still not one of the "cool kids". Not that it matters. If I don't get elected this term I can try again next semester if I feel moved to do so.

Oh, and if there is a debate, I will show up for it. :)

Friday, September 19, 2008

Look Around and Enjoy the Scenery


My grandfather used to tell me "There is nothing wrong with reading a book, Stace, but take a break every once in a while and look as far to the horizon as you can. It is good for your eyes."

Of course, he always made sure we traveled a lot, so those horizons were always changing. The picture above is of him looking at a horizon in Wyoming near Grand Teton National Park. I miss him so much. He had such wisdom in him, and was so kind.

I'm looking at new horizons lately, albeit metaphoric ones. I am looking out at my future. I have only been in the nursing program for a few weeks and already I am seeing a change of scenery. I am not sure what changes the next few years will bring, but I am trying to savor the journey as much as I anticipate the destination.

Growth usually hurts, and I am certainly having to apply discipline to myself to do all the things I need to do. I am certainly growing right now, and I feel my horizons expanding. I am opening myself to all kinds of new possibilities, both professionally and personally. I am having to do a lot of exercise to process the feelings of apprehension, stress, and annoyance that come up. Putting one foot in front of the other seems to be the thing that helps the most whenever I get pissed and need to work it out. A long walk usually facilitates a long think.

Change is chaotic, though. Learning to ride along with it and enjoy the view takes a lot of trust. As I mentioned yesterday, trust isn't my strong suit, but I am learning. Maybe I should start with myself. I have brought myself this far, for good or ill. I need to trust that things are going to work out.

I feel a lot of doors opening right now. It may be that some of them will close over time as I make my choices about what is important to me. One thing is for sure, the scenery will be beautiful along the way if I care to take a good long look every once in a while.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Nursing School-A Kinky Day In The Lab

I have to laugh sometimes at the nursing school curriculum. We have to learn all the things that nurses do, and it turns out that is a pretty broad spectrum of care concepts. On Tuesdays I have my skills lab, which means from 8-5 I am practicing the technical aspects of my new craft.

Todays lesson: Learning to tie restraints and how to give a bed-bound person a bath.

The upshot of this is that at school today I got tied down to a bed and then washed by a classmate. A male classmate in my case.

We all took turns and everyone was being a pretty good sport about it. But we have all only been in the program together a few weeks now, so we don't know each other well. We know each other a lot better now. Enough that my lab mates (Scott and Michelle) played a practical joke on me and put a plastic penis off of one of the dummies into my prep kit. Sillies.

We actually had a lot of laughs today. Much better than last week. We are all trying to keep our spirits up, but a lot of people were pretty distressed at the results they got on the exam on Monday.

I, by the way, got a 90% on it. Yay me! I'm pretty pleased with that score. Not bad considering that the morning of the test I went to the gym and spent some time talking on the phone to calm my nerves rather than last minute cramming. Thank you to the people who listened to me stress out and jump from subject to subject. You know who you are, and I adore you.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Manifesting the Future

You absolutely cannot get what you want if you don't know what you want. Because you cannot ask for what you want if you don't know what it is. This belief is at the core of who I am. Because I spend perhaps an inordinate amount of time in considered introspection (otherwise known as navel-gazing) I usually know what I want out of life. And I often get it, just not always in the way I first envisioned it.

In one of my notebooks, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted my child to have. I wrote it sometime in early 2006, well before Little A came to be a part of our family, before she was even in foster care. I rediscovered the list when I cracked open the notebook to use it for a personal journal and place to write poetry. That list describes Little A in startling detail. It is uncanny, really. I got exactly what I wished for.

"Be careful what you wish for." That is what people say, right? I think some folks use that as an excuse to abstain from wishing, to avoid the consequences of getting something they wished for frivolously. I take a more discerning attitude toward it. I am CAREFUL what I wish for. I still wish for things, but I am very specific about what I want.

I met with one of my academic advisers today, and she asked me to think about what I want for my future, beyond the day-to-day goals of getting through the nursing program. I had lots of ideas at the ready for things I wanted for myself, which I think surprised her a little. She told me to write them down, which I will do. I need to organize my thoughts first, because I realize that some of my goals are amorphous and I don't want to write them down before getting specific about them. Because I won't set my sights on something unless I really intend to get it in its fullest capacity. Otherwise, I should put my energies toward wanting things that I can commit to fully.

One of my areas of interest concerns my academic goals for after the nursing program, especially what direction I want to take with my BS and MS or MA degrees. I will be making an appointment with someone in the next few weeks to discuss a plan for that. I realized that I had been pooh-poohing some of those dreams as impossible. My adviser looked me right in the eye and told me that as "brilliant and articulate" as she finds me, that my most cherished aspiration could in fact be totally doable, but I would have to start planning sooner rather than later. I intend to live on that compliment for at least a week.

Of course, back in down to earth terms I need to focus on studying for an exam on Monday. No use counting those chickens yet. But for someone to tell me that I can have something lofty that I want if I work for it was really gratifying. And it reminded me of my list. I have the power in me to, perhaps not predict the future, but to manifest it.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I know in vague terms what I want. Time to get specific and write it down. I need to write a new list for myself and put it away, like a letter to my future self. The letter will begin:

"Congratulations, Stacie! You have accomplished the following..."

Good for me. And good for anyone who is with me when I get there.

Now, what to put on that list? I am open to suggestion, so get your requests in now. :)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Don't Panic!

Not every day can be full of delightful intellectual inquiry. Some days are bound to be more stressful than others. Today was one of those days. I am trying to repeat to myself, as my eyelid twitches, that just because today was really emotionally challenging for me does not mean I am in for serious trouble.

I'm not even going to bother retelling what stupid petty little things went wrong. I was just off my game. Several people, who don't even know me well at all, noticed right away that I was withdrawn and silent and probably biting the back of my knuckle. Even my blood pressure was up a little, and that is usually not ever a problem for me.

I have had a few days of feeling raw all over. Even though I am trying to maintain my positive outlook, some pernicious negative thoughts have wormed their way into my head. My self image is massively distorted for some reason. I should not admit how crazy those thoughts can get. I tend to doubt the judgment of anyone that loves me, or just flat out not believe it. I feel too grotesque to be attractive to anyone.

I don't know what causes that. I just feel like even my dearest friends secretly loathe me. Or worse yet, they pity me. Or they pity Tony for having to put up with me. Wait, some people actually have told me that they pity Tony. Tony laughs that off, but sometimes I can't.

Tomorrow is my free study day, so I can re-center. I already have my plan in order for going to the gym in the morning. Maybe my new cell phone will come and I can re-connect with the world, at least in theory. I haven't had time to talk the last few days anyway.

I guess I should say that I am mostly okay. I just am feeling very sensitive and maybe a little ugly. I'm super annoyed that I am so fat right now, for sure. Change in that department never happens fast enough.

Why can't I just be perfect? That would make things so much easier!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Day One: Shell Shock

Oh my! I am going to be one busy little camper! I feel a little like the photo above after going to my first lecture class.

Mostly it is that I am still figuring out what my ultimate schedule will be. I have not gotten my "sea legs" yet.

Yikes.

Breathe, Stacie, breathe.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Nesting

Check out my cosmic egg, people.

Things are going to change, big time. After an extremely long quasi-gestation, I have this: an egg. Rather than a live birth of my new world, it is going to come in stages. I'm looking at the next few years as a time to nest and keep this egg warm until it hatches.

The original cosmic egg was thought to contain many varied things. Multiple cultures have used this symbol in their beginning-of-the-world mythos. Some eggs contain sea serpents, gods and goddesses, and light. In some cases, the bottom half of the shell became the earth, and the top the heavens or the sky.

Mine contains a Nursing degree and a new career where I will make more cash and use my brain in new and interesting ways. As a bonus, all the things I am about to learn will doubtless be incorporated into whatever art I will make along the way or after I am done. It might be safe to say that I will be a largely new person once this is complete.

In honor of this change, I am putting a plan together to enhance my health and well-being. My life is going to be pretty structured, and it is going to take some pretty strict time management. I am building exercise and healthy eating into my schedule, as well as what little free time I have for family and friends, and maybe the occasional bit of contemplative solitude. I am going to take care of myself to the best of my ability. While I may be up for the occasional cocktail, more than likely I will be in hermetic aceticism, at least until my summer break in May. Better still to bring me coffee. I am going to need it.

I will likely still blog as a way to let people know what is going on with me, and you will still be able to e-mail me, etc. Please drop me a line from time to time to remind me that I am doing this for very sound reasons. Remind me about my cosmic egg if I get discouraged or overwhelmed. There are bound to be some unexpected things in that egg along with what I anticipate. I'm looking forward to seeing what they are.