Legoes and Lunacy

Here's a rant for you about how old and broken down I am: I have been out of my Effexor for 2 days because the pharmacy decided they had to order it for me. I also was at home today with my 5 year old son. This is my day when I am feeling a bit emotionally edgy:
1. Jacob pitched a giant, GIANT fit about his shoes, because he wanted to wear the socks that are still in the laundry, not these other socks. FYI, there would be more of these socks available if he didn't leave the dirty socks everywhere for the dog to chew on and destroy and sometimes eat entirely.
2. Had to take Jacob to an audiology appointment for the school district because Jacob has an IEP. We were late because of the fit about the socks and shoes. The socks and shoes got put on/taken off and thrown in the car about three times. Grrr. Jacob has totally perfect hearing, but I have to have a long conversation about his IEP anyway, even though he is only Speech Only and no longer developmentally delayed. Woman is not listening to me. 
3. We went to feed the ducks at the park and it rained on us.
4. After getting perturbed at me for not being available when he asked, Tony is not available to have lunch with us.
5. Go to the post office. Don't have enough paper to wrap the book I am trying to mail. Have to buy a thing even though I had already printed the postage at home.
6. Take Jacob to Marshalls for more socks, but they don't have the EXACT ones he wants, so no new socks or shoes for him. We did, however, find a SpiderMan watch. Cool.
7. Take watch out of package, and the battery is dead.
8. Go to nearby jewelry store to get the battery replaced. Kid is all over the store, trying to go behind counters and open stuff he has no business opening. Grrr. 
9. Put on watch. Jacob now gives me the minute by minute update on where the big and little hands are. My eyelid starts to twitch.
10. We go get lunch. My contact lens, despite putting drops in my eyes, starts to freak out during the meal. Jacob makes the world's largest burp at the table, causing a grown man nearby to remark on it.
11. Go home and I am dying for a nap. Kiddo, not so much. He decides to go play with his legoes. He comes in every two minutes to ask me to find the one itty-bitty piece that will be the lynchpin of the tractor he is trying to make. Then the labradoodle vomits up a whole child's sock on the bedroom floor. I have a headache. I tell Jacob I am going to have a short bath before I look for the lego.
12. Kiddo now decides that he needs to actually watch me take a bath and make editorial comments about my body. Great. Yes, I do know that parts of me stick up out of the water. I stick my head under the water, but I can still hear him talking. I come up just in time for him to ask me about the legoes again. He has lined them up on the edge of the tub, pointing out that he needs another one like THIS one, right here.
13. I get out of the tub. I realize that playing with These things is NOT as I remember. Now there a billion teeny-tiny strangely shaped bits that have to be arranged exactly according to the diagram, or it is all wrong. I have a headache, trifocal glasses, and am a quart low on serotonin reuptake inhibitor.
14. I spend the next 35 minutes finding all the little itty-bitty lego bits and then painstakingly building the lego tractor and farmhouse. Little Guy watches, but doesn't help much. Unless by helping, you mean trying to jam his Captain America Lego Guy into the house, knocking some of it down, which must be rebuilt.
15. Dog flops down on the pile of blocks, and must be moved while not disturbing the Lego city. 
16. Hubby comes home, and I am ready to die. Not bad for a day off, huh?

Dream: Showing up for Nursing Boards Naked

Plus Bonus Dream Subplot: Europe Won't Allow my Yankee Spices!

More wacky stories from the sideshow that is my subconscious.

I dreamed the other night that due to bad time management and stress, I showed up an hour late for my appointment for the NCLEX exam, plus I was naked. Plus, instead of a written test, it was to be a practical demonstration of cadaver dissection overseen by my old Anatomy & Physiology professor, Doctor Burke. He didn't approve of my lateness but didn't seem to notice the fact that I was nude. I had to dress in full isolation gear as if I was treating a patient with MRSA or TB, and go and quickly dissect a corpse without making a mess of it. In two hours.  Actually, I think that actually would be easier than taking the real NCLEX, but I digress...

One of the reasons I was stressed in the dream was that I had to pass on the first try, because I was moving to Europe to practice Nursing immediately afterward. It was in the back of my mind that the customs people had told me that I couldn't take my Dean & Deluca spices with me. Not like European countries don't have spices available, but I had purchased these at considerable expense and wanted to take them along. I was building an argument in my head that I should be allowed to take Herbes De Provence to freaking Provence! The nerve!

My dreams have been so jumbled up lately. I think I am finally processing all the changes I have been through since May. Life has been damn busy, and once I get past the NCLEX, things can calm down a bit. That is, if I let them. I am so accustomed to being in near-constant motion that I am not sure I know HOW to relax anymore. By the end of summer I hope to have fewer things hanging over my head and can enjoy the rewards of all this hard work!

In Case of Emergency

Dude, what is up? Has the whole world gone crazy or what? I'm stressed. My friends are stressed. My family is stressed. People don't have jobs that need them, and it is getting just nuts.

I swear, if I were not the strongest woman alive, I don't know what I would do.

I don't know if I am being semi-successful at adjusting to the sad new truths in my life, or if I am becoming numb, or if there is some siren song of future happiness just out of my range of hearing. I am beset on all sides by trouble, and I seem to be doing ok, considering the circumstances.

I want so badly to have something witty or even comforting to say. I wish I could just wrap my arms around everyone and hide us all from the world until this blows over. I want to cook everyone dinner and give everyone wine and try and find the humor in all of it. If you don't laugh, you cry, right?

Dream-Needles and Pins

Ah, old fashioned stress dreams. Just what I need. My poor brain is crying uncle already this semester.

I had a dream last night that I was with a couple of my professors from nursing school, and I was searching all around for the equipment I needed to either give shots or start an I.V., so basically I had fistfuls of sterile wrapped needles.

I was trying to stare unblinking and watch as Mrs. Croysdill inserted the needle into my own arm to demonstrate the finer points of the technique. But it HURT, so I closed my eyes. When I opened them, she was telling me to take out the needles whenever I wanted.

There were about 100 of them, inserted in my skin all over both of my arms. And not just IV needles, but sewing pins and darning needles and stuff.

So, one by one, with mobility limited by all the pointy needles, I had to pull them all out. For some reason I was either unable or unwilling to ask for help.

That about sums up how I feel about my life right now. Although I adore my professors and fellow students, I am stressed and somewhat helpless feeling.

Front-Loaded

The first two weeks of this semester are what the instructors called "front-loaded". That means extra lectures crammed into an already packed schedule and double the clinical lab time. So, if you have been wondering where the heck I have been, that's where.

Next week starts the "normal" schedule. So I will only be crazy busy and not insanely crazy busy.

I'm loving school and my classmates and professors are awesome. But I am TIRED!!

The Wellness Plan

So, I started back to school today, which is wonderful. I was so glad to be back and see my classmates. I gave and received many hugs. Of course, we hit the ground running, so there is already tons of work to do, but it still feels so much more purposeful than my desk job.

To make it through last semester, I had a rough outline of my wellness plan in my head, and I did a pretty good job of sticking to it. This semester I thought I would write it down and share it.

So here it is, in a nutshell: clean living. As clean as possible, anyway.

1. Proper diet: including taking a daily multivitamin and limiting the refined sugar and white flour, etc. No fads or crazy diets, just nourishing my body with lean proteins and veggies etc.
   
2. Proper sleep: That means as few all night study sessions as possible.
   
3. Time management: even if I have to write myself a to-the-minute schedule daily (with breaks, of course), I have to stay on task, especially if I want to get some sleep.
4. Exercise: SO important. Even if it does take an hour a day away from my books, I need to get up and MOVE.
5. Very little alcohol
6. Meditation time: sometimes a good workout is a good mental break, but I need time to attempt to still the torrent in my mind.
   
7. Family time: accomplished most readily with family dinner, but I can't be nose in a book 24/7.
8. Art: The hardest thing to make time for in my science curriculum. But I drag my poetry notebook around in my backpack, just in case.
9. Brainless entertainment: especially TV that makes me laugh. Gotta break up the stress.
10. Study, study, study: Nothing would give me a better endorphin rush than getting good grades.
11. Proper Hand Washing: you would be surprised how this one simple thing will keep you from getting sick.
    

Go me! Yay!

Some days this is HARD to do. But just trying to be mindful of it daily really seems to help.

Nursing School-First Semester Recap

I survived my first semester of Nursing School! Yay me!

I have a HUGE binder full of notes already! WOW!

What did I learn the last 4 months? Here's a tongue in cheek recap:

• If you go to the hospital and you have to have a Foley Catheter put in, don't be surprised if the Student Nurse assigned to your care is all excited to "try this on a live person"!
• In the world of Nursing School, getting a 90% is a B. Why? That is so mean.
• If you are in the hospital and have to choose between having a Foley Catheter inserted in your urethra or a Nasogastric tube up your nose, pick the catheter, hands-down. Don't ask why. Just trust me.
• There are things that make young people sick that cause dementia symptoms in older adults. Why would a urinary tract infection cause dementia? Who the hell knows, but if your elder becomes suddenly confused, that might be one cause.
• To be able to do the things that nurses do that involve bodily fluids and may be unpleasant aspects of the job, nurses have seriously twisted senses of humor. More proof that I have picked the right profession.
• I am already making what I hope will be lifelong friendships. There is no joke there. I just really have a lot of affection for almost all of the people I go to school with. Getting through a tough program like this is as bonding as sharing a foxhole. Only with more pee.

Thanks to all my supportive friends and family for putting up with me in full stress-mode the last few weeks.

School starts again on January 26th.

Fuck this shit. I want cake!

Midterms are over. In the bizarro world of nursing school, 90% is a B. Gotta have 92% for an A. So I ended up getting mostly B's on all 4 midterms, missing the A by 2% or so. I'm just gonna say okay.

I want cake. I am just tired and chocolate sounds good. But it has to be really GOOD cake or I don't even want to bother. And I don't want to actually bake. I may have to go in search of cake.

Maybe I'll get cake, have one slice and send the rest to work with Tony to spare myself the temptation. I need cake like a hole in the head.

What's Up, Bill Clinton?

You might be wondering how this title and photo go together. If you have known me a long time,you already know. Back during Bill Clinton's first election run, I had a dream. This is nothing like the dream Dr. King had. This one was about tacos.

I dreamed that I had made some fish tacos, and Bill Clinton stopped by and we ate them. Only we were in a hurry to get somewhere, so we didn't have time to sit down to eat them. So we stood side by side over the kitchen sink and ate. It was a very friendly and comfortable situation. When I woke up, I knew he was going to win the white house, and he did.

Bill Clinton is going to be on my campus today. That means that I had to come to school early to get a damn parking spot. I did get one, but if I showed up 10 minutes later, I'll bet I wouldn't have.

The part that sucks is that he is going to be speaking right when I will be taking my nursing miderm, so I will miss it. If I am going to be inconvenienced by Bill Clinton, I should at least get the chance to meet him or something.

Tony asked me if I was going to get in the queue to ask him a question. I replied that I didn't really have anything to ask. He said "You could ask him if he likes fish tacos." *snicker* All these years later, that still sounds dirty.

Bill Clinton has been the only President of the United States that I have ever written a letter to. I got an official form letter response from the White House, too. Pretty cool, even if a copy of that letter is probably sitting in my FBI file or something.

What did I write to him about? Why my dream, of course. That and a few other items of political concern to me at the time. Probably reproductive freedom of choice, or something. But the fact remains that I once wrote a letter to the President about eating fish tacos over the sink.

Writing Has Dropped Off

Ah, it was so nice while it lasted. Stress and school and whatever whims affect these things have caused my muse to retreat a bit from me. In any case, I am not writing. No poetry, not much blogging, and a stallout on prose. It is a little sad.

It isn't that surprising, considering all that is going on. I am smack in the middle of two weeks of midterms. That I don't have time or energy or passion for composing sonnets should not even disappoint me. I know it will straighten out soon, but writing is a good catharsis for me, so I have been a bit emotional these last few weeks.

So I am walking it off, even on really frigid mornings where I must put a turtleneck under my sweatshirt so I don't freeze. I could be working out at the gym, but I am following the wisdom of my late grandparents and getting as much fresh air as I can before the weather gets really inclement.

Sometimes I get writing ideas while I am walking miles away from my house. So I know it is the stress that is tamping it down. But by the time I get home I fall onto that pile of textbooks and force myself to attend to the practical matter of getting through school. My ipod is my constant companion, and many days my only one.

It is all good, but wow. My brain hurts from all the stuff I am cramming into it. I read while Little A plays or watches TV. I read while I eat. I read while I blog. (It is true; I have my Medical-Surgical Nursing book open in my lap as we speak) If I could read while I sleep, I probably wouldn't be a little behind like I am now.

I have to go into campus early on Monday, and I am not too happy about it. But President Clinton is going to be speaking on my campus that day, and I can't be late for my midterm because I am looking for parking. I guess the Obama campaign would shuttle me from the Grand Sierra Hotel, halfway across town. So now I have to decide what I am going to do: chance getting parking a few hours before my test and skipping my morning walk, or schlepping all over town on a politically provided bus on a day when I have a huge test. Nice. I think I am just going to have this stress headache until December.

Ha Ha! This will be fun to write about (?) when I get loosened up later. Sheesh.

Bedside Manner and Other Useful Things

I got a very nice compliment from one of my fellow students today. She overheard me when I was doing my practical midterm (which involved elaborate role play) and said that she thought I had a great bedside manner. That was super nice of her to say. I really respect her opinion, so I will savor that comment.

That would be one of the applications in life where having the gift of gab comes in handy. I don't have any difficulty talking to patients, even about complex medical things. In a clinical setting, I find it very easy to speak to strangers, so long as I am the one wearing the scrubs. All that theatre background works to my advantage.

I am the most extroverted introvert I know. In certain situations I can be very shy. Most people who know me only superficially would never believe that. But I have my secrets and am a very private person in some respects. I have funny quirks about my social life, and it takes a lot for most people to breach my outer wall.

But I have a very open face. I always remind people of their niece for some reason. Or their favorite outspoken cousin. It is actually a little funny to watch what happens when people underestimate me because I look so soft and cuddly. I do have a spine under all of that, which people find out when they try to test me. Most folks don't try twice, because when provoked or hurt I can have a volcanic temper.

Luckily, I don't really stay angry for long. In most cases I am very forgiving, with only a few rare exceptions.

I think I may manage to be a good nurse after all. I was surprised to see how broad the scope of nursing is, both in the spectrum of what you need to know and be responsible for, and in the latitude for actually being caring to people and advocating for them. It is pretty interesting how much better I am fitting into this than I thought at first.

Anyway, that is the randomness for today. I still have 2 more midterms. I thought I had one today, but it is next Thursday instead. That's fine, but I will be so glad when next week is over all the same. Then I get to write a paper, whee!

Secrets and Other Confidential Things

Well.

The stories I could tell, just about today, if only I were permitted to.

I'm having an interesting life lately. It is just that most of the stuff that is happening to me is going on behind the scenes and I am either prohibited from sharing it due to privacy laws or out of a sense of my own shame.

This week the big life lesson is about controlling my temper in moments where it would be totally understandable to melt down.

I knew in advance that this was going to be a stressful week. My school calendar tells me that this week and next are going to be challenging. What I didn't count on was the personal life stuff that apparently just can't wait.

This is my adding insult to injury week.

Insult because communication breakdowns are causing MAJOR misunderstandings. Mercury goes direct on the 15th after a period of retrograde. Mercury in retrograde is a good time to lay low and connect in non confrontational ways with people from the past. It is not the time to try and settle any new business. Usually I like to keep track of things like Mercury retrogrades, but this one snuck up on me and I think it is fair to say that it has been an unmitigated disaster. I have had some very difficult conversations this week, and today is only Tuesday.

I have gotten a new and not so flattering nickname from a fellow student at school. Apparently, I am "Band Camp Girl", because I talk too much about my employment experiences about the VA. Crap. My experience is that once a person has decided I talk "too much", there is no fixing that, even I were silent the rest of the year. It bothered me enough that I went to my professor and asked her directly if I participate too much in her lectures. She looked at me like I was a crazy person and said that if that ever happened, she would let me know. I think my query amused her, actually. That might have been a first for her.

Really, when people tell me that I talk too much, that just makes me feel like what I have to say is of no value to them. That hurts, but what are you gonna do?

Luckily for me, I am making some decent and lovely new friends out of the people who listen long enough to hear that there is a cogent point in there somewhere. I even meditated before the test with Christy. We were so happy to have been assigned to work together on the midterm that we fell into each other's arms with relief. She's a peach, and seems to get where I am coming from on a holistic level.

Injury because I had to hold it together after Little A pitched a major tantrum and ended up slapping me really hard in the face today.

Um, yeah. And this is directly after I had finished my skills lab midterm (dunno how I did yet). I was still reeling from a long and stressful day at school, and my kid had to sock me right in the gob. Nice. I had to give myself a time out to deal with that one. I didn't lose my temper with her, although I am not sure how. My mother has new found respect for me as a parent, because I told her what happened and she figures that if I had done something like that when I was a kid, she woulda just killed me.

Yes, Little A got discipline for that. She was in trouble for sure. But there is no spanking at our house. I don't think I could spank this child even if I were not prohibited by law. She's too sensitive. Today is just one of those days when I have to breathe a sigh of relief that my daughter is now sleeping. She always looks so angelic when she is sleeping.

I'm going to go curl up in a ball on the couch now. If you love me, please say so.

Whoo Boy-Midterms!

I have been living this monastic lifestyle for half a semester, with mostly good and some mixed results. I am not immune to stress, by any means. I am doing much better than I thought I would by now, but exams always get my goat to an extent. And the midterms are going to fill my life for the next 8-9 days. There are four exams: 10-13, 10-14, 10-16 and 10-20. Ack.

I have made very little time for friends and family, and for the next week it is worse. I made sure I got in some quality time with Tony and Little A this weekend, especially today. I feel guilty for being so emotionally labile and holed up in my office or the Library down the street, or gone because I am out walking to try and manage the stress. Sheesh!

And what time I am making for people, I am so disordered because I am all business about school so that brings a strange intensity to how I interact with my friends. I want to figure things out, settle them, get them in order. That isn't my job to sort them out. Sorry guys.

Maybe not during winter break, but next summer I think I need to tour some theme parks and ride roller coasters and act like a big kid a little to shake off all this serious. Holy Moly. I have a headache at the moment and just the thought of cotton candy makes me a little ill. I have had very little sugar in my diet lately.

Where should I go? Great America? I haven't been there in ages. I used to love to go with my friends in high school when I was still living in Palo Alto/Los Altos. Anybody wanna go with me?

We are talking about taking Little A to Disneyland next summer sometime. She'll be four then and should get a kick out of it. Or she'll be tired and cranky and we will lose our minds. Who knows?

I am so "Ipso Collapso" right now: so stressed I think I am going to fall down. Thank goodness that even though I complain about the pressure, I tend to do just fine, academic-wise. It isn't luck or natural genius, I just work my ass off.

And speaking of my ass. It is smaller. All my dang pants are falling off me. No time to shop. This is silly, but it is a problem I don't mind having. All that working out is doing something. Even Tony noticed that there is less of me. Whew. About time, too.

I'm just trying to abide, like The Dude says.

The Peculiar Passage of Time

How is it possible that time is both flying AND dragging? On the 22nd of October, we will have had Little A in our lives for a whole year. She keeps getting bigger and smarter and faster. I think we spent the first four months just stunned from suddenly becoming parents. But the decade-plus wait to be parents seemed to drag on forever.

And the three weeks until the first Termination of Parental Rights hearing is dragging forever, and that hearing is only the beginning really of some complex legal wrangling to seek permanence for this child.

Time is warped for me right now. On the one hand, I can't believe that it is October already, and mid-month I have a slew of midterms. On the other hand, May 2010 (when I graduate) seems so far away as to be effectively forever. I got overwhelmed last night just thinking about all the work that lies before me and how far away that goal feels. I know when it is over I will probably say that the time flew by, but right now looking ahead feels vertiginous. I can't look in front of me for more than about 2 weeks without feeling dizzy. So planning anything after that feels dangerous or even impossible.

And yet I am doing a lot of big picture thinking about what I want out of my life. I am dreaming big. I just haven't figured our the steps in between here and there yet. Even my short term goals are a little on the hefty side.

I wish I could say that time is on my side, but I just don't know. There are some things I wanted for myself that are out of the question now because I am getting too old. I am quietly grieving the fact that I will never experience pregnancy now. I thought I was done with thinking about that, but it has reared its head and demanded my conscious thought lately. Even so, Tony and I are not done building our family, and we are open to adopting again in the future at least one more time, even though the process can be harrowing emotionally. We are still reeling from all the drama we have had over Little A, and that isn't even resolved yet. We are still figuring out how to be married and be parents and be all the other things we want to be. It isn't flowing naturally at all. But I don't feel "done" yet. I would like a second child. I'm not in a hurry, but in the next five years I expect to be a mother of two instead of one.

I used to feel the spirits of my children around me when I was younger. The ones that wanted to be born through me lingered on the edge of my dreams and spoke to me. They have either found other ways to be in my life, or they have given up on me, because those little voices are still now. I don't know when it stopped when I think back, but I realize that I have been sad about it for a while. All the babies that were going to share DNA with me are simply not going to be. They are gone, lost to fickle time and faulty biology. It is almost like they are dead, snuffed out before they ever had a chance. I feel responsible somehow for failing to find a way to give them what they clearly wanted from me.

I'm writing a bit of prose to work through that, but school is keeping me pretty busy at the moment, so processing big life pain might have to wait. Grief doesn't work on timetables, though. Like a shark attack, it takes a bite out of you when it chooses to. I think the fact that I am so open to learning new things right now has put me in a space to learn all kinds of things unrelated to school. So my lessons are moving in on me at top speed. I'm pulling smoking Rockfords in my life and chasing down all kinds of things.

Time flies and time drags. It pools and rushes over cliffs. It eddies in slow trickles and threatens to stagnate just as it spews forth in hot and terrible geysers. Time is an illusion, just like control. While I think I am watching it slide by me, I fail to realize I am in it. My little coracle without a paddle is taking me somewhere. I hope it is somewhere I have tried to plan for, someplace I have manifested for myself in a moment filled with hope instead of dread.

We'll see. In time, all things reveal themselves in truth for what they are. Waiting is hard. I want some little rewards along the way for the ways I am trying to be good. Hear that, Universe? Some cosmic lotto winnings or pleasant little surprises this week would be good. I'm open.

Image Credit: http://www.gallericepheus.com/eng_konstverk.html

So, Stace! How's it going?

The short answer is that it is going well.

The long answer, because with me there always is one, is that it is going well but it is very intense and stressful these days.

Two people have already dropped out of the nursing program I am in. I knew there would be a steep rate of attrition, but it seems so soon to be losing people.

I'm in what feels like an almost constant scramble to get things done, even though I am as organized as I can be and allowing myself almost no social life.

I feel like I am starting to sabotage myself in little ways. I am a natural hedonist, so self-discipline does not come naturally to me. Maybe I am just blowing off steam or whatever. I have also had a few creative writing projects clamoring for, and getting, a little of my attention.

I do wonder if taking time to write prose is an acceptable outlet for my stress, or a stalling technique that keeps me out of my textbooks. Either way, some short stories are getting written in between things.

I'm still going to the gym 5-6 days a week. My body wants to hold onto this weight SOOOOO bad! I have fallen off the healthy eating for about 2 days and feel like crap. *Sigh* Oh well, back on the healthy food tomorrow. It does help; I just don't always do what is good for me.

So, I am stressed and constantly pressed for time, but the few people I do talk to keep commenting on how happy I sound.

There are some good reasons for that; each one is as valid as the next. Yes, I am out of that annoying job for the most part and around interesting and stimulating people. I am eating healthy and exercising. I am doing something to develop myself. There is some aspect of better living through modern medicine. I am making plans for the future. All of that. Also, I have really supportive people around me that make all of the stress either seem worth it or that amuse me and make me smile. I love feeling that people are investing in my success and it feels spectacular to be cared about. You know who you are.

So, yeah. Stressed, but happy.

Getting Political

So, I decided to throw my hat into the ring for our class elections next week. Our class is supposed to select three reps to attend faculty meetings and advocate for student issues. That means I am officially campaigning, I guess.

I'm not super-fussed either way. I'd like to serve as a rep but don't know if my peers will choose to elect me. I'm kind of a pain in the ass, but in a class rep that could be a good thing.

So, yeah. Um. Go me! I guess I decided to go for it because my adviser has such a high opinion of my natural leadership skills. We will see if it ends up being more about who is popular. Even at the college level and at my age I am still not one of the "cool kids". Not that it matters. If I don't get elected this term I can try again next semester if I feel moved to do so.

Oh, and if there is a debate, I will show up for it. :)

Look Around and Enjoy the Scenery

My grandfather used to tell me "There is nothing wrong with reading a book, Stace, but take a break every once in a while and look as far to the horizon as you can. It is good for your eyes."

Of course, he always made sure we traveled a lot, so those horizons were always changing. The picture above is of him looking at a horizon in Wyoming near Grand Teton National Park. I miss him so much. He had such wisdom in him, and was so kind.

I'm looking at new horizons lately, albeit metaphoric ones. I am looking out at my future. I have only been in the nursing program for a few weeks and already I am seeing a change of scenery. I am not sure what changes the next few years will bring, but I am trying to savor the journey as much as I anticipate the destination.

Growth usually hurts, and I am certainly having to apply discipline to myself to do all the things I need to do. I am certainly growing right now, and I feel my horizons expanding. I am opening myself to all kinds of new possibilities, both professionally and personally. I am having to do a lot of exercise to process the feelings of apprehension, stress, and annoyance that come up. Putting one foot in front of the other seems to be the thing that helps the most whenever I get pissed and need to work it out. A long walk usually facilitates a long think.

Change is chaotic, though. Learning to ride along with it and enjoy the view takes a lot of trust. As I mentioned yesterday, trust isn't my strong suit, but I am learning. Maybe I should start with myself. I have brought myself this far, for good or ill. I need to trust that things are going to work out.

I feel a lot of doors opening right now. It may be that some of them will close over time as I make my choices about what is important to me. One thing is for sure, the scenery will be beautiful along the way if I care to take a good long look every once in a while.

Nursing School-A Kinky Day In The Lab

I have to laugh sometimes at the nursing school curriculum. We have to learn all the things that nurses do, and it turns out that is a pretty broad spectrum of care concepts. On Tuesdays I have my skills lab, which means from 8-5 I am practicing the technical aspects of my new craft.

Todays lesson: Learning to tie restraints and how to give a bed-bound person a bath.

The upshot of this is that at school today I got tied down to a bed and then washed by a classmate. A male classmate in my case.

We all took turns and everyone was being a pretty good sport about it. But we have all only been in the program together a few weeks now, so we don't know each other well. We know each other a lot better now. Enough that my lab mates (Scott and Michelle) played a practical joke on me and put a plastic penis off of one of the dummies into my prep kit. Sillies.

We actually had a lot of laughs today. Much better than last week. We are all trying to keep our spirits up, but a lot of people were pretty distressed at the results they got on the exam on Monday.

I, by the way, got a 90% on it. Yay me! I'm pretty pleased with that score. Not bad considering that the morning of the test I went to the gym and spent some time talking on the phone to calm my nerves rather than last minute cramming. Thank you to the people who listened to me stress out and jump from subject to subject. You know who you are, and I adore you.

Manifesting the Future

You absolutely cannot get what you want if you don't know what you want. Because you cannot ask for what you want if you don't know what it is. This belief is at the core of who I am. Because I spend perhaps an inordinate amount of time in considered introspection (otherwise known as navel-gazing) I usually know what I want out of life. And I often get it, just not always in the way I first envisioned it.

In one of my notebooks, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted my child to have. I wrote it sometime in early 2006, well before Little A came to be a part of our family, before she was even in foster care. I rediscovered the list when I cracked open the notebook to use it for a personal journal and place to write poetry. That list describes Little A in startling detail. It is uncanny, really. I got exactly what I wished for.

"Be careful what you wish for." That is what people say, right? I think some folks use that as an excuse to abstain from wishing, to avoid the consequences of getting something they wished for frivolously. I take a more discerning attitude toward it. I am CAREFUL what I wish for. I still wish for things, but I am very specific about what I want.

I met with one of my academic advisers today, and she asked me to think about what I want for my future, beyond the day-to-day goals of getting through the nursing program. I had lots of ideas at the ready for things I wanted for myself, which I think surprised her a little. She told me to write them down, which I will do. I need to organize my thoughts first, because I realize that some of my goals are amorphous and I don't want to write them down before getting specific about them. Because I won't set my sights on something unless I really intend to get it in its fullest capacity. Otherwise, I should put my energies toward wanting things that I can commit to fully.

One of my areas of interest concerns my academic goals for after the nursing program, especially what direction I want to take with my BS and MS or MA degrees. I will be making an appointment with someone in the next few weeks to discuss a plan for that. I realized that I had been pooh-poohing some of those dreams as impossible. My adviser looked me right in the eye and told me that as "brilliant and articulate" as she finds me, that my most cherished aspiration could in fact be totally doable, but I would have to start planning sooner rather than later. I intend to live on that compliment for at least a week.

Of course, back in down to earth terms I need to focus on studying for an exam on Monday. No use counting those chickens yet. But for someone to tell me that I can have something lofty that I want if I work for it was really gratifying. And it reminded me of my list. I have the power in me to, perhaps not predict the future, but to manifest it.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I know in vague terms what I want. Time to get specific and write it down. I need to write a new list for myself and put it away, like a letter to my future self. The letter will begin:

"Congratulations, Stacie! You have accomplished the following..."

Good for me. And good for anyone who is with me when I get there.

Now, what to put on that list? I am open to suggestion, so get your requests in now. :)

Don't Panic!

Not every day can be full of delightful intellectual inquiry. Some days are bound to be more stressful than others. Today was one of those days. I am trying to repeat to myself, as my eyelid twitches, that just because today was really emotionally challenging for me does not mean I am in for serious trouble.

I'm not even going to bother retelling what stupid petty little things went wrong. I was just off my game. Several people, who don't even know me well at all, noticed right away that I was withdrawn and silent and probably biting the back of my knuckle. Even my blood pressure was up a little, and that is usually not ever a problem for me.

I have had a few days of feeling raw all over. Even though I am trying to maintain my positive outlook, some pernicious negative thoughts have wormed their way into my head. My self image is massively distorted for some reason. I should not admit how crazy those thoughts can get. I tend to doubt the judgment of anyone that loves me, or just flat out not believe it. I feel too grotesque to be attractive to anyone.

I don't know what causes that. I just feel like even my dearest friends secretly loathe me. Or worse yet, they pity me. Or they pity Tony for having to put up with me. Wait, some people actually have told me that they pity Tony. Tony laughs that off, but sometimes I can't.

Tomorrow is my free study day, so I can re-center. I already have my plan in order for going to the gym in the morning. Maybe my new cell phone will come and I can re-connect with the world, at least in theory. I haven't had time to talk the last few days anyway.

I guess I should say that I am mostly okay. I just am feeling very sensitive and maybe a little ugly. I'm super annoyed that I am so fat right now, for sure. Change in that department never happens fast enough.

Why can't I just be perfect? That would make things so much easier!