Some frequently asked questions I would prefer not to have to clarify any more. These are real questions people ask me on such a regular basis, it grates on my nerves.
Do you know you talk a lot?
Um, yeah. You wouldn't believe how mean people can be about it, so I have been told in many rude ways that I talk a lot. It happens a lot more when I am nervous or excited. Otherwise, I am just sort of naturally loquatious.
You say you can't have babies? Can I ask you for all the personal details? Don't you think you will get pregnant now that you are adopting?
I would really rather keep my medical issues and/or those of my husband private. Please take my word for it when I insist that it will never "just happen".
Well, I (questioner) am pregnant. Can I tell you, or will you have a nervous breakdown?
Of course you may tell me. At least give me the chance to tell you how happy I am for you. I love children, that is why I want to add some to my own family. I might feel a little sad sometimes that I won't ever experience pregnancy myself, but I also know that is my problem. I promise I will get over it and dote on your baby when it comes. I'm not going to freak out and toss myself out a window. That being said, if you make a big deal out of it like you are the first woman in history to ever give birth, and go on and on about how I am missing out on the magic, I'm likely to tell you it makes me uncomfortable.
Will you come to my baby shower?
No, I will not. I find that they make me too upset. It is good to know your limits, right?
What happened to your daughter's "real" parents?
We prefer to use the terms bio-parents or birth parents or first parents. In the ways that really matter day to day, I am "A"'s "real" mom. In any case, the details of her family of origin, as well as the specific reasons they are unable to parent her, are a part of her story, and thus hers to tell later on if she so chooses.
Do you accept Jesus as your personal saviour? Do you know you will got to hell if you don't?
No, and no I won't. Next question please.
Can I change your mind about that if I threaten you with violence or harrass you in some other way?
Sorry. No dice.
How does your husband put up with you?
He likes me. That, and I am so good in bed that he's willing to overlook my flaws. Come on, are you serious? Don't you see how insulting that question is?
You write fiction? Is it about me?
It is only about you if you piss me off. Then something very,very bad will happen to your character. You might have to sit on a donut for a while.
You quit being a chef? Why would you ever quit such an awesome job? It looks so cool on TV!
Haven't you figured out yet that life is not just like TV? Being a chef was a wonderfully creative job, and one that other people thought was pretty cool. It is also a profession that is really hard on family time, as well as being back-breaking work that I can't picture doing until I retire.
Will you go back to Alliance, Ohio for your next high school reunion?
No. Really. Fuck no. I'm still friends with the people I need. I'd rather crawl on my belly over broken glass and take an alcohol bath than go back there. Especially to hang out with people who never thought it was important to keep in touch in the first place.
There. That oughtta do it for a while. You may be excused.
I would be more afraid if you *didn't* talk a lot. I'd think you'd been abducted by aliens.
ReplyDeleteMe: Hey Stacie, did you know your boobs are really big?
You: No, really? You don't say.
HAAAA My "word verification" for this post is "Huuba." HAHAHHAA