Me and My Shadow

Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mandava_harsha/1941654651/

Just an excerpt from a manuscript that will never see the light of day in its current form.

He gives me an exasperated look. “You act as if I never had any piece of your heart. Like I wasn’t there first. You never change in one respect. You try so hard to control things that are not in your sphere of influence. You would unmake God if he let you.”

“Humph.” I scoff.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love you for it. You don’t think anything is outside your grasp.”

“Are you kidding? Everything is outside my grasp. I don’t understand anything. I’m afraid of my own shadow.”

“Ah, that is where you are one hundred percent correct.” He smiles. “Your shadow is the problem. Just not like you think.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your shadow is a part of you. You can’t get away from it, even if you run for the rest of your life. And the bigger you are, the longer your shadow becomes.”

“I don’t want it. I hate that part of myself. I wish I could kill it or make it go away.”

“We are beings of light and shadow. We tend to repress that which we find unacceptable, even repulsive and weak about ourselves. Make no mistake; you cannot kill a part of yourself. You cannot hate your faults and still be well. I struggle with this myself, so please believe I know what I am talking about. Your shadow is as much a part of your soul as the light being is. Forget what the new-agers say about dark being negative or “bad”. I have come to believe that is crap. Those aspects of self are only in the dark because you put them there so you wouldn’t have to look at them.”

“I can’t look at the past. It is so screwed up.” I start to tremble.

“You have your work cut out for you. I’m going through the same thing, so you have my empathy. It is hard to love those aspects of ourselves.”

“I have never thought about you having to work on yourself. I always thought you were perfect.”

He shakes his head. “For me, trying to embrace and give love to my inner cynic is very hard. I don’t have very much faith in mankind.”

I agree. “I have had to learn to give love to my inner ugliness, my wrath, my pain, my fear of going crazy if I were to even dip a toe in those brackish waters.”

“Yes, now you see it!” he enthuses. “The deformed creatures swimming in that volcanic crater are what you have done to your innocence, some of your hope, the parts of you that came back burned from reaching out to the wrong people. You could go on being ashamed of them and let them drown, or you could try to wade into the surf and bring them to shore. For me, I’m finding if I clear them of debris and give them the kiss of life, I discover strength there. Your shadow has been there/done that in ways you have been ignoring. “

“I never thought of it in that way before.”

He clasps me to him, his lips the barest whisper from mine. “Your soul keeps growing regardless if you are paying attention or not. You get to choose whether that is a process you will elevate into your conscious awareness.”

“A little like you.”

“Yes, a little like me. You choose when you want to see me. You were always in control of that.”

“Were you mad when I chose not to?”

“I was upset, but I understood why you had to do that. I missed you, though.”

“I’m glad I am seeing you now.” I take up the slack in the space and kiss his luscious mouth, my heart exploding as he opens up to me all the way to the core. It makes my hair stand on end how he is still completely fluent in the language of my mouth. The feel of his hand stroking my face, the way he steadily breathes, brings every neuron in my brain to rapt attention.

When the lip lock reaches its denouement, he pulls away and lays his cheek against mine. When he speaks again, his voice is thick with emotion. “Now what do we do?”

I laugh softly realizing I am now the one who is older and wiser. “Do you hear that drumming in the distance? Let’s just dance.”