Don't Panic!

Not every day can be full of delightful intellectual inquiry. Some days are bound to be more stressful than others. Today was one of those days. I am trying to repeat to myself, as my eyelid twitches, that just because today was really emotionally challenging for me does not mean I am in for serious trouble.

I'm not even going to bother retelling what stupid petty little things went wrong. I was just off my game. Several people, who don't even know me well at all, noticed right away that I was withdrawn and silent and probably biting the back of my knuckle. Even my blood pressure was up a little, and that is usually not ever a problem for me.

I have had a few days of feeling raw all over. Even though I am trying to maintain my positive outlook, some pernicious negative thoughts have wormed their way into my head. My self image is massively distorted for some reason. I should not admit how crazy those thoughts can get. I tend to doubt the judgment of anyone that loves me, or just flat out not believe it. I feel too grotesque to be attractive to anyone.

I don't know what causes that. I just feel like even my dearest friends secretly loathe me. Or worse yet, they pity me. Or they pity Tony for having to put up with me. Wait, some people actually have told me that they pity Tony. Tony laughs that off, but sometimes I can't.

Tomorrow is my free study day, so I can re-center. I already have my plan in order for going to the gym in the morning. Maybe my new cell phone will come and I can re-connect with the world, at least in theory. I haven't had time to talk the last few days anyway.

I guess I should say that I am mostly okay. I just am feeling very sensitive and maybe a little ugly. I'm super annoyed that I am so fat right now, for sure. Change in that department never happens fast enough.

Why can't I just be perfect? That would make things so much easier!