Okay, okay, here's the good things

Photo of beautiful Emerald Bay

Ok, so I got all slappy about Reno in my last post. Now I guess I will show my adopted hometown a little love. I know I am here for some very good reasons, and some good is coming out of it. Here's the goods:

• Proximity to Lake Tahoe: That is some good stuff right there. I love just driving around/hiking up there.
• Little A: I am quite certain we were destined to come here to be a part of her life. She is the perfect kid for me, and I treasure her.
• My school: I probably wouldn't have gone into the nursing program if we had not come here. My job thing lined that up nicely.
• View of the Sierras: They are so pretty. I love mountains. I have no talent for snow sports any more complex than sledding, but it is nice when my ski-crazy relations come to visit.
• Friends: I have made some great ones here, in the little pockets of intellectuals and artists that hide in between all the rest.
• Walking by the Truckee river: That includes the path that is great for Little A to ride her trike. It gets a fresh batch of baby ducks every spring. Baby ducks are good.
• Tony's grandma Helen lives here: She's a total sweetie and a kick in the pants. He also has some cousins here, and we get the occasional family picnic out of it.

See? I am not a TOTAL sourpuss! I am making lemonade, see?

I Disapprove-Reno Edition

I feel like bagging on Reno today. I mean, I live here and have for a while now, so there must be SOME redeeming things about it, but today is not the day to talk about that. Let's trash talk!

• You have to water trees here: every damn thing has to be hooked up to a drip system because it is the desert. Not much in the way of rain.
• Tumbleweeds hitting my car: This is the time of year when this happens a lot because it is extra windy.
• Too damn hot in the summer: I just wilt like a damn gardenia. Yeah, I know. Then why did I buy a black car? I blame hormones. I was trying to get pregnant when I bought that car. I should have been able to use some kind of progesterone defense and get my money back.
• The Yee-Haw factor: Yeah, the whole red state thing gets me down.
• Taggers: I know every city has those. But ours don't even have much imagination. Lame graffiti is extra dumb.
• Casinos: I don't bother unless I go to Vegas. But if I want to play a slot machine I need go no further than my local grocery store. Who cares?
  
• Smoking: I can't get over how many people smoke here. Gross. And forget going to a bar. You will smell nasty when you get home from the secondhand smoke.
• The whole methamphetamine/trailer park/white trash factor: Do I really need to explain this one?
• The lack of cultural diversity: I really lament that there isn't a better mix here. Reno is such a white folk's town. I grew up in one of those in Ohio and look at how it warped me.
• Crap schools: Nevada rates very low for education. That is starting to really bother me now that I have a kid.
• The barest handful of good restaurants: Believe me, I worked as a food critic for both newspapers here, and you run out of awesome restaurants in about 2 minutes.
• Brown hills year round: Except when they are covered with snow. God, my eyes just STARVE for green sometimes.
• Weird concert choices: There are always some strange acts in town. Reno just isn't a good venue for the concerts I would be interested in seeing.
• Everyone thinks it is lame: I have some friends who totally won't visit. Even my mother won't come often-even to see her grandchild.
  

Why am I trashing Reno today? Mostly because I am contractually obligated to stay here for a few more years. I don't have the choice. That and Tony and I have recently been to San Francisco and got reminded of how much we miss it. That and I am thinking about the future, and I can see myself outgrowing this town, if I haven't already.

That is all.

So, Stace! How's it going?

The short answer is that it is going well.

The long answer, because with me there always is one, is that it is going well but it is very intense and stressful these days.

Two people have already dropped out of the nursing program I am in. I knew there would be a steep rate of attrition, but it seems so soon to be losing people.

I'm in what feels like an almost constant scramble to get things done, even though I am as organized as I can be and allowing myself almost no social life.

I feel like I am starting to sabotage myself in little ways. I am a natural hedonist, so self-discipline does not come naturally to me. Maybe I am just blowing off steam or whatever. I have also had a few creative writing projects clamoring for, and getting, a little of my attention.

I do wonder if taking time to write prose is an acceptable outlet for my stress, or a stalling technique that keeps me out of my textbooks. Either way, some short stories are getting written in between things.

I'm still going to the gym 5-6 days a week. My body wants to hold onto this weight SOOOOO bad! I have fallen off the healthy eating for about 2 days and feel like crap. *Sigh* Oh well, back on the healthy food tomorrow. It does help; I just don't always do what is good for me.

So, I am stressed and constantly pressed for time, but the few people I do talk to keep commenting on how happy I sound.

There are some good reasons for that; each one is as valid as the next. Yes, I am out of that annoying job for the most part and around interesting and stimulating people. I am eating healthy and exercising. I am doing something to develop myself. There is some aspect of better living through modern medicine. I am making plans for the future. All of that. Also, I have really supportive people around me that make all of the stress either seem worth it or that amuse me and make me smile. I love feeling that people are investing in my success and it feels spectacular to be cared about. You know who you are.

So, yeah. Stressed, but happy.

Getting Political

So, I decided to throw my hat into the ring for our class elections next week. Our class is supposed to select three reps to attend faculty meetings and advocate for student issues. That means I am officially campaigning, I guess.

I'm not super-fussed either way. I'd like to serve as a rep but don't know if my peers will choose to elect me. I'm kind of a pain in the ass, but in a class rep that could be a good thing.

So, yeah. Um. Go me! I guess I decided to go for it because my adviser has such a high opinion of my natural leadership skills. We will see if it ends up being more about who is popular. Even at the college level and at my age I am still not one of the "cool kids". Not that it matters. If I don't get elected this term I can try again next semester if I feel moved to do so.

Oh, and if there is a debate, I will show up for it. :)

Happy Birthday Keith!

Today is my dear friend Keith's birthday. This is him in 1984. Today he is 39 and even cuter.

Happy Birthday, dude. I wish I could take you out for a pint today. You deserve all the good things in life.

Doggie Jekyll/Sasha Hyde

How is a lab/sheltie mix like a refrigerator light?

Oh, how I wish that was the beginning of a really funny joke, but this dog is driving me batty.

It is probably because I am at home a lot more often during the day now while Tony is at work. Sasha is a total Daddy's girl and has been from the moment I (yes, me) brought her home as a gift to him. She LOVES him. Unfortunately, she also is very neurotic and nervous when he is not around.

Honestly, it is like she is two different dogs. When Tony is at home she is mostly chill and just hangs out by him. When he is gone she barks CONSTANTLY. Worse, when she wants food, or to go out or some other thing, She chases me around near my heels and barks at ME! First thing in the morning when I haven't yet had my coffee that is really annoying.

No amount of obedience training has ever made an impression on this dog that I am above her in the pack hierarchy. She drinks out of the toilet, gets food off the counter in the kitchen, and even tries to steal food from Little A. Mama Ferrante is not bloody amused.

I used to say I was a dog person. Now I would say that I do not love all dogs. Just some dogs. Oh, Sasha is okay. She's very friendly and cute-to Tony. But to me she has been a giant pain in the ass lately.

Okay, not just lately. We are talking about the dog that jumped on the bed one time and peed on my head. We are talking about the dog that has gotten into the garbage and eaten the bones of a roasted chicken, and then barfed ALL OVER the house. We are talking about a dog who has eaten more loaves of bread than I can count, including a festive loaf of homemade braided apple bread that I made from scratch.

I want a divorce...from this dog.

Before you get all uppity on me, please know that I am mostly just venting here. I love all my pets, and Sasha is a good dog for the most part. It is just that when she chooses to act up, it isn't while Tony is home, and that seems highly unfair to me.

And to think that I saved her life when she was a puppy. Thankless dog. She got Parvo and I was going to have her euthanized so Tony wouldn't have to do it, but she looked up at me with those liquid brown eyes and licked my nose and suckered me into paying the vet a huge sum of cash to try and pull her through. It worked and we rejoiced.

But she is getting old and senile now and has mistaken me for a 24-hour food dispenser. I swear, she would eat round the clock if we allowed it. I have actually taken my books and left the house just so I didn't have to listen to her. That's right. I allowed the dog to chase me out of my own home. She is whining at me as we speak, even though I fed her an hour ago. *pulls hair out*

Tony will be home in an hour, then she will mellow out. In the meantime, I can listen to Sasha whine and Little A beg for innapropriate snacks, also in a whiny voice. By the time he gets home I am going to be whining, too.

Calgon take me away?

New Short Story: This Counterfeit Life

I was supposed to be catching up on studying this weekend, but I got wrapped in the arms of that fickle bitch known as my muse and wrote a short story instead. I would have tried to put it off until my schoolwork was done, but you know that never works.

It is a strange little tale (do I write any other kind?) about Sebastian and Ophelia. They have been separated for a long time and have some issues to work out. Add in a mysterious elderly Frenchman and mix well with odd results.

If you would like to give it a read, drop me a line. I won't be posting it here because I may choose to shop this one around.

Celebrity Crush: Justin Theroux

I love Justin Theroux. He is my boyfriend. He has that whole dark hair/fair skin/post-punk attitude that just makes me weak in the knees. He's just hot. I have seen interviews with him and he comes across as literate and interesting, which I can't resist.

I have written at least two fictional characters that if a film were made of the story, I would cast him if I had the choice.

I'm watching "Mulholland Drive" today, and he is just awesome in that. He was also great on "Six Feet Under". Yum.

Look Around and Enjoy the Scenery

My grandfather used to tell me "There is nothing wrong with reading a book, Stace, but take a break every once in a while and look as far to the horizon as you can. It is good for your eyes."

Of course, he always made sure we traveled a lot, so those horizons were always changing. The picture above is of him looking at a horizon in Wyoming near Grand Teton National Park. I miss him so much. He had such wisdom in him, and was so kind.

I'm looking at new horizons lately, albeit metaphoric ones. I am looking out at my future. I have only been in the nursing program for a few weeks and already I am seeing a change of scenery. I am not sure what changes the next few years will bring, but I am trying to savor the journey as much as I anticipate the destination.

Growth usually hurts, and I am certainly having to apply discipline to myself to do all the things I need to do. I am certainly growing right now, and I feel my horizons expanding. I am opening myself to all kinds of new possibilities, both professionally and personally. I am having to do a lot of exercise to process the feelings of apprehension, stress, and annoyance that come up. Putting one foot in front of the other seems to be the thing that helps the most whenever I get pissed and need to work it out. A long walk usually facilitates a long think.

Change is chaotic, though. Learning to ride along with it and enjoy the view takes a lot of trust. As I mentioned yesterday, trust isn't my strong suit, but I am learning. Maybe I should start with myself. I have brought myself this far, for good or ill. I need to trust that things are going to work out.

I feel a lot of doors opening right now. It may be that some of them will close over time as I make my choices about what is important to me. One thing is for sure, the scenery will be beautiful along the way if I care to take a good long look every once in a while.

Why does this get to be true?

I have a love/hate relationship with my own subconscious mind. Sometimes it presents really random things for me to contemplate when my alarm goes off in the morning.

The topic du jour is an incident that happened to me at 6th grade camp (this was the one I went to up in the North Bay). I just diagnosed a serious illness that I got there, and it disturbs me more than I care to admit, but I feel compelled to write it down.

We were doing the "trust exercise" pictured above, and the camp people had the person falling stand up on the edge of a picnic table, and about 6-8 students on the ground were supposed to catch them.

When it came to be my turn, I wasn't too confident. The adult told me to to just trust and fall back. So I did. I can't even describe the sickening lurch as I realized mid-fall that the people who were supposed to catch me had stepped back and folded their arms. I hit the ground full force, striking my head and my back on the ground. The kids laughed. I couldn't even breathe; the wind was knocked out of me. I remember crying, out of pain but also out of incomprehension. Why did they do that? Why to me?

Later that night, I started vomiting. A lot. I don't think they called my mom, or she would have come to get me. For years I assumed that I had gotten food poisoning. But this morning it dawned on me that the vomiting was a classic sign that I actually had a concussion or had bruised my spinal cord.

Not only had the kids given me a reason to have a lifelong mistrust of other people, but the adults, in what was doubtless an attempt to hide their liability, had covered it up and let me down, too.

That certainly isn't the only reason I have trouble trusting others, but boy it sure sticks out. Recalling that this morning was a very visceral experience. I was still half asleep, and thought about the faces of the kids who were laughing at me for trying to trust them. One of them grew up to be a somewhat famous professional volleyball player, I recall. Ostensibly a team player, right?

Thinking about that, all these years later, hurts deeply. It surprises me how fresh and accessible that feeling is. I'm on the verge of crying just thinking about it right now. I have been carrying that inside me all this time, and I can see how it has affected my ability to trust other people to catch me. I generally don't. I rely on myself, taking on the weight of the world without asking for much help. I can't unload my burdens on other people because I don't trust them. I don't even give the people close to me enough credit in that regard.

Why does that get to be true? It was a shitty thing that happened to me. But it doesn't have to be who I am now. I have grown up and hopefully learned to tell which people are worthy of my trust. But I can see that even the people I want to trust pose a challenge for me. Being vulnerable is extremely difficult for me. It makes me feel like I am about to fall backward and nobody is going to reach out and catch me.

For a long time, I thought my mom didn't come for me when I got sick. I realized just this morning that they hid my injury from her. She didn't know. I really need to reframe my thinking about that incident. I was abused by strangers, not neglected by my mother. That is a big difference.

I'm going to try. I'm going to try to trust someone today. The world is full of people worth trusting. I can be safe. There are arms that want to catch me if I let them. I wonder what that would be like?

Nursing School-A Kinky Day In The Lab

I have to laugh sometimes at the nursing school curriculum. We have to learn all the things that nurses do, and it turns out that is a pretty broad spectrum of care concepts. On Tuesdays I have my skills lab, which means from 8-5 I am practicing the technical aspects of my new craft.

Todays lesson: Learning to tie restraints and how to give a bed-bound person a bath.

The upshot of this is that at school today I got tied down to a bed and then washed by a classmate. A male classmate in my case.

We all took turns and everyone was being a pretty good sport about it. But we have all only been in the program together a few weeks now, so we don't know each other well. We know each other a lot better now. Enough that my lab mates (Scott and Michelle) played a practical joke on me and put a plastic penis off of one of the dummies into my prep kit. Sillies.

We actually had a lot of laughs today. Much better than last week. We are all trying to keep our spirits up, but a lot of people were pretty distressed at the results they got on the exam on Monday.

I, by the way, got a 90% on it. Yay me! I'm pretty pleased with that score. Not bad considering that the morning of the test I went to the gym and spent some time talking on the phone to calm my nerves rather than last minute cramming. Thank you to the people who listened to me stress out and jump from subject to subject. You know who you are, and I adore you.

Girlcrush-Mary Louise Parker

I mostly just want to have her tousled bed-head hair here. In my dizzy daydreams I could never be that thin. Gotta love her on "Weeds", though.

Plus, she is a mom and looks this hot. Go girlie!

Poetry-You've got me

I've got your back, man.
I'm your number one fan.
Just call me if you need a friend.
You've got me.

Don't be lonely; you aren't alone.
Don't be sad; you aren't alone.
Don't be scared; you aren't alone.
You've got me.

If you need a helping hand,
If you need a girl for a wing man,
If you need a beer to cry in,
You've got me.

If you're tired, lean on me.
If you're bored, play with me.
If you're hurting, embrace me.
You've got me.

9-13-08



Image: Statue of a wounded Amazon, 1st–2nd century A.D.
Roman copy of a Greek bronze statue, ca. 450–425 B.C.
Marble (Pentelic); H. 80 1/4 in. (203.84 cm)
Gift of John D. Rockefeller, Jr., 1932 (32.11.4)

Manifesting the Future

You absolutely cannot get what you want if you don't know what you want. Because you cannot ask for what you want if you don't know what it is. This belief is at the core of who I am. Because I spend perhaps an inordinate amount of time in considered introspection (otherwise known as navel-gazing) I usually know what I want out of life. And I often get it, just not always in the way I first envisioned it.

In one of my notebooks, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted my child to have. I wrote it sometime in early 2006, well before Little A came to be a part of our family, before she was even in foster care. I rediscovered the list when I cracked open the notebook to use it for a personal journal and place to write poetry. That list describes Little A in startling detail. It is uncanny, really. I got exactly what I wished for.

"Be careful what you wish for." That is what people say, right? I think some folks use that as an excuse to abstain from wishing, to avoid the consequences of getting something they wished for frivolously. I take a more discerning attitude toward it. I am CAREFUL what I wish for. I still wish for things, but I am very specific about what I want.

I met with one of my academic advisers today, and she asked me to think about what I want for my future, beyond the day-to-day goals of getting through the nursing program. I had lots of ideas at the ready for things I wanted for myself, which I think surprised her a little. She told me to write them down, which I will do. I need to organize my thoughts first, because I realize that some of my goals are amorphous and I don't want to write them down before getting specific about them. Because I won't set my sights on something unless I really intend to get it in its fullest capacity. Otherwise, I should put my energies toward wanting things that I can commit to fully.

One of my areas of interest concerns my academic goals for after the nursing program, especially what direction I want to take with my BS and MS or MA degrees. I will be making an appointment with someone in the next few weeks to discuss a plan for that. I realized that I had been pooh-poohing some of those dreams as impossible. My adviser looked me right in the eye and told me that as "brilliant and articulate" as she finds me, that my most cherished aspiration could in fact be totally doable, but I would have to start planning sooner rather than later. I intend to live on that compliment for at least a week.

Of course, back in down to earth terms I need to focus on studying for an exam on Monday. No use counting those chickens yet. But for someone to tell me that I can have something lofty that I want if I work for it was really gratifying. And it reminded me of my list. I have the power in me to, perhaps not predict the future, but to manifest it.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I know in vague terms what I want. Time to get specific and write it down. I need to write a new list for myself and put it away, like a letter to my future self. The letter will begin:

"Congratulations, Stacie! You have accomplished the following..."

Good for me. And good for anyone who is with me when I get there.

Now, what to put on that list? I am open to suggestion, so get your requests in now. :)

Don't Panic!

Not every day can be full of delightful intellectual inquiry. Some days are bound to be more stressful than others. Today was one of those days. I am trying to repeat to myself, as my eyelid twitches, that just because today was really emotionally challenging for me does not mean I am in for serious trouble.

I'm not even going to bother retelling what stupid petty little things went wrong. I was just off my game. Several people, who don't even know me well at all, noticed right away that I was withdrawn and silent and probably biting the back of my knuckle. Even my blood pressure was up a little, and that is usually not ever a problem for me.

I have had a few days of feeling raw all over. Even though I am trying to maintain my positive outlook, some pernicious negative thoughts have wormed their way into my head. My self image is massively distorted for some reason. I should not admit how crazy those thoughts can get. I tend to doubt the judgment of anyone that loves me, or just flat out not believe it. I feel too grotesque to be attractive to anyone.

I don't know what causes that. I just feel like even my dearest friends secretly loathe me. Or worse yet, they pity me. Or they pity Tony for having to put up with me. Wait, some people actually have told me that they pity Tony. Tony laughs that off, but sometimes I can't.

Tomorrow is my free study day, so I can re-center. I already have my plan in order for going to the gym in the morning. Maybe my new cell phone will come and I can re-connect with the world, at least in theory. I haven't had time to talk the last few days anyway.

I guess I should say that I am mostly okay. I just am feeling very sensitive and maybe a little ugly. I'm super annoyed that I am so fat right now, for sure. Change in that department never happens fast enough.

Why can't I just be perfect? That would make things so much easier!

Classic Stacie Move

Oh my gosh. I accidentally flushed my cell phone down the toilet today. It was in the pocket of my jeans and fell out. Whoosh. GONE.

Why me? I am more like a cartoon than a person.

Just more proof that those jeans are too loose and I need new ones. Hard to afford that when you have to shell out for a new phone.

Tony wasn't too happy with me. Whoops. Sorry, Mister.

How's that whole "being healthy" thing working out?

Um, yeah. I have been sick with a nasty cold and sore throat/cough/laryngitis for a goddamn week. I feel really worn out and can't seem to regulate my temperature properly. Unfortunately, there isn't much time for resting, although a bit more than there was while I was working full time.

Since most of my time is spent studying, you would think that was restful, but it is hard to focus your noggin while on cold medicine. *grumble*

On the upside, I have still managed a lower-than-last-week level of exercise. I figure the fresh air does me some good, so I took a 2-mile walk yesterday while the prep for the balloon races was going on. I wished I had my camera with me, because as I was walking, hot air balloons were landing all over my neighborhood. They were right over my head a few times. There were probably about 30 of them within a few blocks of my house. It was pretty cool, and I just had to smile. I wanted to jump in one and see where it took me.

I'm going to try to make it to the gym tomorrow. But first I need to do a little shopping. My pants are falling off because I have lost weight and need the next size down, and I need a new bra that won't be *look at my tits!* obvious under my white scrub top when I do my clinical rotations. I need a slightly smaller bra, too. (Don't cry yet, my breasts are still epic huge, my band size has gone down, though.)

I was sorta stuck on the whole weight loss thing for a while, but then I made a bet with a friend to lose 25 pounds by the time I graduate in 2010. I actually need to lose a lot more than that, but 25 pounds seems maybe doable. I lost 2 pounds this week, so that is a good start. Fancy that, the old "eat healthy food and work out more" plan seems to actually work.

As for my mental health, I am trying hard to remain positive, and so far I am doing okay. They are doing experiments on us up at school. We hook up to a monitor that measures our heart rhythms for "coherence" and we get a score based on our ability to enter into a consciously controlled state of calm. It is like meditating, science-style. Despite the fact that I am a known and notorious spaz, I got a respectably high score. The idea is that if we tap into coherence often enough, we can do it at will and for longer periods, even while, say, taking an exam. The goal is to have fewer students burn out of the program. It is a trip. I felt pretty calm and centered for a while afterward. I wanted to hug people, even though I spent much of the day solo. It should be interesting to see how this fits into my plans to get through the next two years with as much stress is on my plate.

Art-wise, I have been writing some sorta personal poetry these days. Not surprising considering my introspective mood lately. I do have the submission guidelines for a pretty major web zine sitting on my desk. I can submit up to three poems for consideration. I don't know which ones to choose. I suppose I will pick three that suit me at the moment and send them off and see what happens. It would be pretty cool to get a national byline for poetry like that, but I am in no way counting any chickens there. I would like to publish a few poems in the next 12 months. It would be a good way to keep artistically active. That and it seems like a masturbatory exercise to either only post them on my blog or just scribble them in my notebook and do nothing with them.

I have written hundreds (maybe over a thousand?) poems in my life so far. I even threw a stack from high school away at one point. Or maybe I burned them with that one diary and a bunch of correspondence from my days as a semi-professional crazy person. It seems to me that if I am going to produce that stuff anyway, I should probably do something with it. There is also a possible chapbook idea circling my noggin. Again, I would need to cut the wheat from the chaff to do that, and I just don't have time or enough objectivity to do that now. Might be a good project for next summer between terms.

That is what is up with me. How are you?

Dream-In the Weeds

I can always tell when I am under stress. I can have a very delicate constitution that is easily upset, so I lose sleep first.

It is stressing me out that I have a really bad cold/sore throat that is preventing me from the turbo-speed studying that I usually do. I feel like I am walking in quicksand. I just can't seem to stay focused or retain information like I need to because I have a bad case of "medicine head".

The stuffy nose was keeping me up last night for a long time, so I had time to fret about other stuff, which only makes it less possible to sleep. So at about 3:30 AM I got up and hit the dreaded Afrin nasal spray. I hate using that stuff because the rebound on it is so dreadful. But oh well. I ended up falling asleep around 4 AM.

Then I had stress nightmares. They weren't the "monster chasing me" variety. I dreamed about my relationships, but they were all convoluted and messed up. (More than they are in real life) I dreamed about a guy I am not even in a romantic relationship with, but in the dream he was not being faithful to me and I was confronting him. Stupid.

Then the dream shifted to me having to close down a restaurant for the night and tackle a huge pile of dishes and pots and pans. Obviously, as a former chef, I am very familiar with commercial dishwashers like the one pictured above. I was spraying the pans with that nozzle, I was in a big hurry for some reason, and the dishes just kept piling up.

I was "in the weeds". Any old professional cook will know what that means. I guess I feel in the weeds this week with school. Any time I am having work-related stress, I always default to dreaming about the professional kitchen: the heat, the sharp objects, and the screaming staff.

The good news is that being in the weeds is largely about attitude. You can be the only one behind the line and the tickets can stack up and it can still not be a problem if you are in the right head space. You can still crank it out and even have a little fun doing it. It is like watching a toddler run: they just put their heads down and barrel forward and you are sure they are going to bail, but they don't. Or even of they do, they just get up and keep running, because running is so novel that the fun of it outweighs the danger.

So I am trying to shake it off today and crank it out. I am made of tough stuff, even if I do like to be petted and coddled by people I love. I can live without it, but being cooed over makes me feel better. I know deep down that I will get through it, but I am coming to realize that while I like to be viewed as smart and competent, there is still a little child in me that wants to be babied. That is a little messed up maybe. My grandmother understood it, and even when I was nearly all the way grown she would pull me close and talk softly and pet my head. It was enormously calming. After that, I could tolerate the pep talk and then I would grit my teeth and get back to work.

Hee hee. Maybe I am the opposite of the high-powered CEO who pays a dominatrix to beat him up and call him names and make him feel helpless. I am fierce as a rabid wolverine sometimes, but I still want to be treated as if I were a delicate and rare porcelain doll of inestimable value.

I want to be protected sometimes, because usually I am the one that throws myself like a human shield in front of my friends when there is strife. I usually don't care what happens to me or my heart, because I am so used to feeling bruised. I would almost rather take the hits myself than see someone I care about get hurt. I think I give people permission to use my resources in ways that don't actually benefit me, just to see them a little happier even if it costs me. Hmm. Maybe that isn't too good for me. I guess that I just trust that there will be reciprocity, and there often is.

Note to self: channel energy through myself from above rather than out of my core. Yep. That's it. The universe is infinite and can take the drain better than I can.

New Girlcrush-Eva Green

I watched "Casino Royale" again today while Little A was napping. Damn, Eva Green is so beautiful in that movie. I want to learn how to wear red lipstick like that and not get it everywhere (I realize that this is a movie trick).

I love the look of pale skin, dark hair, and striking eyes on both men and women. So sexy. Rawr. I love her tousled bed-hair in this photo. *swoon*

I just wanna be her, maybe. Stunning.