How is it possible that time is both flying AND dragging? On the 22nd of October, we will have had Little A in our lives for a whole year. She keeps getting bigger and smarter and faster. I think we spent the first four months just stunned from suddenly becoming parents. But the decade-plus wait to be parents seemed to drag on forever.And the three weeks until the first Termination of Parental Rights hearing is dragging forever, and that hearing is only the beginning really of some complex legal wrangling to seek permanence for this child.
Time is warped for me right now. On the one hand, I can't believe that it is October already, and mid-month I have a slew of midterms. On the other hand, May 2010 (when I graduate) seems so far away as to be effectively forever. I got overwhelmed last night just thinking about all the work that lies before me and how far away that goal feels. I know when it is over I will probably say that the time flew by, but right now looking ahead feels vertiginous. I can't look in front of me for more than about 2 weeks without feeling dizzy. So planning anything after that feels dangerous or even impossible.
And yet I am doing a lot of big picture thinking about what I want out of my life. I am dreaming big. I just haven't figured our the steps in between here and there yet. Even my short term goals are a little on the hefty side.
I wish I could say that time is on my side, but I just don't know. There are some things I wanted for myself that are out of the question now because I am getting too old. I am quietly grieving the fact that I will never experience pregnancy now. I thought I was done with thinking about that, but it has reared its head and demanded my conscious thought lately. Even so, Tony and I are not done building our family, and we are open to adopting again in the future at least one more time, even though the process can be harrowing emotionally. We are still reeling from all the drama we have had over Little A, and that isn't even resolved yet. We are still figuring out how to be married and be parents and be all the other things we want to be. It isn't flowing naturally at all. But I don't feel "done" yet. I would like a second child. I'm not in a hurry, but in the next five years I expect to be a mother of two instead of one.
I used to feel the spirits of my children around me when I was younger. The ones that wanted to be born through me lingered on the edge of my dreams and spoke to me. They have either found other ways to be in my life, or they have given up on me, because those little voices are still now. I don't know when it stopped when I think back, but I realize that I have been sad about it for a while. All the babies that were going to share DNA with me are simply not going to be. They are gone, lost to fickle time and faulty biology. It is almost like they are dead, snuffed out before they ever had a chance. I feel responsible somehow for failing to find a way to give them what they clearly wanted from me.
I'm writing a bit of prose to work through that, but school is keeping me pretty busy at the moment, so processing big life pain might have to wait. Grief doesn't work on timetables, though. Like a shark attack, it takes a bite out of you when it chooses to. I think the fact that I am so open to learning new things right now has put me in a space to learn all kinds of things unrelated to school. So my lessons are moving in on me at top speed. I'm pulling smoking Rockfords in my life and chasing down all kinds of things.
Time flies and time drags. It pools and rushes over cliffs. It eddies in slow trickles and threatens to stagnate just as it spews forth in hot and terrible geysers. Time is an illusion, just like control. While I think I am watching it slide by me, I fail to realize I am in it. My little coracle without a paddle is taking me somewhere. I hope it is somewhere I have tried to plan for, someplace I have manifested for myself in a moment filled with hope instead of dread.
We'll see. In time, all things reveal themselves in truth for what they are. Waiting is hard. I want some little rewards along the way for the ways I am trying to be good. Hear that, Universe? Some cosmic lotto winnings or pleasant little surprises this week would be good. I'm open.
Image Credit: http://www.gallericepheus.com/eng_konstverk.html
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