In short, there isn't one.
Should it be right, even if it is to an extent understandable, for a person who was abused in youth to become an abuser? One could argue that is all they know, but life is about choice.
When I was young, I was the victim of some pretty serious verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of people who came into my parents' lives after the divorce. I was the child and they were the grownups, but I always felt I should have done better getting over it. Funny how I should have a feeling of shame when I admit that.
Being told that you are useless or that you are crazy or bad hurts just as much as being kicked in the guts. It is abuse, straight up. There is just no excuse for abusing anybody, especially a defenseless child.
Of course, invariably these people had grown up in households where verbal/physical abuse was common. They were small people acting big when they tried to tell me how worthless I was. Was that supposed to be "discipline"? Or, because they found me unsettling for some reason, did they feel at ease to just let the stinging words fly?
The sad part is how I may have gone into overdrive to prove them wrong. On one hand, that's great, because I am tenacious when pursuing a goal. On the other hand, I fear failure so much that I sometimes feel like a shark who has to keep swimming to live and never rests. I have to push, push, push all the time and have a hard time being content with my life as it is. Taking pride in the small things I do right is very hard for me.
But now that I am a parent, I can see that I have made choices to not yell at and degrade the child in my care. I make choices to be loving and supportive. I look at how small and fragile she is and can't imagine ever saying that kind of stuff to her. It would break her to bits for me to express anger to her. It would be wrong, and I just wouldn't do it. I count to ten and try again, but I won't yell. My instinct is to protect her in every way I can.
I was little like that once, and I was a pretty cute kid, too. How anybody got me confused with a punching bag is beyond me.
I'm grateful to this beautiful child for showing me the good consequences of choosing to be kind. I'm not worthless, I have good stuff to give.
Abuse is not the same as showing anger. Some of the best/worst/impressionable memories I have of my parents are when they were angry. Anger is very close to fear, and when your child does something dangerous. Something that really does threaten her life you might get a bit scared and fear for her life, thus display a bit of anger when you yell at her.
ReplyDeleteI understand the purpose of you post, but wanted to give you a little hug that it's OK to yell at your kids sometimes. Later in life they might actually look up to you as someone that helped them become the well adjusted freak we all are inside.
JE