Sometimes Sorrow Serves

Image credit (to the best of my ablility) : Madrigal of Sorrow by_restmlin

I know I have been gloomy lately. I'm working on it. I have been on the phone the last few days with some of my most trusted friends, and one of the things I have promised to do is keep talking, keep checking in as it were. I have promised lots of things about calling them first before...whatever stupid thing I am contemplating at the moment.

I'm going to be okay; I always am.

Getting to a really sorrowful place is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. It is a crucible of sorts, where non-essential things are vaporized and you can see what is really vital. I can see the ways in which I have been childish and self-indulgent. I can see the ways I have hidden from my life behind petty and irrelevant distractions.

What really matters:

1. My family: My husband and child, my mom
2. Friends: they give me perspective and love.
3. Art: being around my artistic companions, feeding my soul with their energy and giving something back.
4. My health: I need to keep doing those things that nourish and support my body.
5. My dog: Just because I know she loves me.
6. Music: I am having a love affair with my iPod. That probably can't hurt.

What doesn't really matter:

1. Stupid co-worker gossip: What they think of me going off to school is irrelevant.
2. What Little A's parents do to me or say about me or think about me.
3. All the choices I have made in the past: I can't change them and twisting in knots over them now might literally kill me.
4. Toxic people who want to prick me to see if I bleed. I do. Enough said.
5. My own opinion of myself: to a degree, I can't be trusted to have a high enough opinion of myself at the moment.
6. My house: Yes, we have outgrown it a bit. Probably won't move until next year, so no point worrying about it now.

That's about it. I need to make art and love those who warrant it. That is enough for now. Trying to reach beyond that with current serotonin levels is too much. I hate placing limits on myself like that, but I also need to stop the self-flaggellation, I have already gone too far with that. I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.